Libera Me
by elfprincess8
Summary: Edward is a recovering addict who managed to alienate everyone he loves. He meets Jacob, a kindred spirit. Will Jacob be able to save him, or will Edward drag Jacob along on his destined path of self destruction?
1. Chapter 1

Libera Me

Meet Edward Cullen. He is struggling with his demons. Lemons in Chapter 2!

Never Look Back

EPOV

I couldn't stop my fingers from drumming on the steering wheel as I sat in the bumper to bumper traffic just outside the sprawling metropolis of the combined cities of Tacoma and Seattle. I just wanted to get the hell away from Tacoma, my family, my father, his unnaturally high standards, my mother with her disappointment, and my perfect siblings with their cookie cutter looks and successful lives. I guess it was just my reality that I wanted to escape from. My ugly fucked up life had been a string of disappointments and failed relationships.

I had "come out" almost a year before. Things between me and my father had been strained at best, but after that, it was almost hostile. My father, Dr. Carlisle Cullen, had everything, and that included flashy good looks and old money. He had risen in the ranks at Tacoma General Hospital and become the chief staff surgeon. He gave lectures at the University of Washington, and his expertise was sought the world over. I guess I should have been proud of him and his accomplishments, proud to be his son. But honestly, how does anyone ever compare to that.

My brothers Jasper and Emmett had inherited his genius and excelled in their studies. Emmett was already working with our father in the surgery clinic that bore our family name and making a name for himself as a highly skilled plastic surgeon. Jasper on the other hand had surprised us all and followed our mother in her impressive career. He had joined her practice as an environmental attorney. The two of them worked tirelessly to help the Quileute people. The tribes of the Olympic coast held them both in great esteem for all the work they had done to keep the developers off the reservation lands.

Of course I couldn't forget my beautiful sisters, Alice and Rosalie. Rosalie had been a bit of a rebel and gone her own way. She and my younger sister Alice had teamed up to become fashion designers. They worked with the West Coast's top talent in fashion, entertainment and design. Rose Colored Visions was the name of their company. Those two ambitious bitches were open for business, and let me tell you baby, business was good.

So that leaves me, the youngest son. Where do I fit in? My parents and siblings were beautiful, talented perfect people. I had never quite fit the mold. When my brothers were studying karate, and my sisters were learning ballet, I was in the back of a dirty garage in east Tacoma, getting high and playing guitar, badly I might add. When my family flew to Paris so my father could receive yet another reward for his brilliant genetic work, my siblings, dressed in their best high fashion name brands, were right there beside him, smiling, clapping and cheering. Where was I? I was high on Oxycontin, passed out somewhere in a basement rec room.

Yeah, I was a total fucked up loser. I guess I was always sort of a clumsy disappointment. I had never excelled at sports or academics, but I did love to draw and design. I sort of got into architecture, and decided I wanted to make a career out of it. Of course my father got involved. He just had to put his stamp on it somehow. He introduced me to a friend of his, and even with my shitty grades, they managed to get me accepted into the University of Washington's Architectural Engineering Program. Those four years were a blur of me trying to bullshit my way through a series of really hard classes. But I discovered that when I kept myself clean, and my head clear, I could certainly do it. I wasn't stupid, and I did have the Cullen gene for excellence. I graduated in the top of my class and for the first time in my life, I felt passionate about something besides myself.

I had managed to stay clean and sober for the last two years of college and had gotten in shape. I even began to let Alice dress me in designer clothes. I was really trying to fit in and please my father, and for a little while, it seemed to work. Despite my depressing beginning, I found that I had the Cullen charm, and with the help of my father's contacts in the business, I managed to become quite successful. By the age of twenty-seven, I was independently wealthy, and the co-owner of an architectural firm in Seattle. My partner at the firm, a charismatic Asian named Eric Yorkie and I managed to get our business off the ground by specializing in a certain type of modern open air style that consisted of a lot of steel and glass. The designs let in natural light, and had wide open spaces that promoted harmony. Anyway, people liked it. We got more orders than we could handle, and by the end of our first year, we had expanded and hired a full staff. I was reasonably happy, but for me that is a short lived emotion.

I guess all along, I just wanted to hear my father say that he was proud of me, and then I could have been content. But to him, I was still just the disappointment, and he often told his friends that without his help, I never would have made it. I don't know, maybe he was right, but it still hurt. No matter how hard and cold I appear to others, I do have feelings and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them. So it was in a last ditch effort to impress him, that I decided to build a house fashioned after one of my own designs. It was to be a beautiful glass and steel vacation home in the Olympic Peninsula area near the little town of Forks, Washington, and the Quileute Reservation. It only made sense as both Mom and Jasper absolutely loved it there. I believed that if I gave my Father the keys to this beautiful home that I had designed, built and furnished just for him and mom, that he would finally be proud of me.

It was nothing short of miraculous that I was able to keep the construction secret from my family with Mom and Jaz always around that area, and it was hard to be inconspicuous. But I managed to find an isolated, and I mean isolated piece of land deep within the forest on the border of the La Push Rez, that overlooked the river. It was perfect. I hired a local lumber company to log and clear the land, we built a road through the trees, and began construction. Eric handled the Seattle clientele for me while I lived on location in nearby Port Angeles. I drove to the site every day to oversee the construction. Every detail had to be perfect. When the house was finally done, I called Alice and asked her to come and help me pick out the furniture and art work. She was thrilled to be in on the secret, and it didn't take long to bring it all together with her help. Then we waited a month as my plan was to offer my father the keys on their anniversary so they could spend the weekend at the house.

But as usual, things began to go wrong almost immediately. First, Dad ended up being on call at the hospital that weekend, and we had to change up the plans to the next weekend. Then Mom threw a curve ball by planning an out of town trip. I was about to just give up and tell them about the house, when an unexpected opportunity presented itself. The Quileute chief wanted Mom to help dedicate a preserve that she had helped to save. It was the perfect chance to get everyone together at the house. When Mom began to make plans to stay the night in Port Angeles, I interrupted her, and told her and Dad that I had a wonderful surprise I wanted to show them. "We can stay right in La Push, and you'll be right there for the ceremony", I told them. Dad seemed suspicious. Alice, however, was practically bubbling over with excitement as was her norm.

The four of us would be going to La Push that weekend. I couldn't wait. Dad would finally see. He would finally understand. Oh how little did I know, that as usual, my happiness is always just momentary, and always short lived.


	2. Chapter 2

Libera Me

Chapter Two

A Chance Meeting

EPOV

The day started out rainy and foggy. Great, I'll be doing the big unveiling in the middle of a deluge. Well, I suppose it can't be helped when you live in the wettest place in the continental U.S. Alice rode with me in the lead, in my shiny, new, black Astin Martin Vanquish. Mom and dad followed in the Mercedes.

Despite the weather, Alice was cheerful, something she could always be counted on to be. She chattered on and on about how excited she was, and how mom and dad were going to just love the house.

I eventually drowned her out and sank into my thoughts. I was a bit nervous. What if he didn't like it? What if it was all a waste of time?

It was 2:00pm when we made it to the preserve, just in time for mom to cut the ribbon on the door to the new ranger station as everyone clapped and cheered. The spectators moved apart toward the refreshment tables. I drifted over to the chairs at the back of the room and sat down. Alice was nowhere in sight, and in boredom I began to survey the crowd.

I noticed mom and dad standing next to a Quileute man in a wheel chair. I was beginning to wonder who he was, when my dad stepped aside and I was instantly captivated by the absolutely knock dead gorgeous boy standing beside the wheel chair.

He looked young, maybe 18-20ish, long black hair that came down past the middle of his back. He had the top and sides pulled back into a loose pony tail and some of the strands had come loose to hand around his face. His eyes were deep set and very dark brown. He had high cheek bones, a chiseled jaw line, and a very sensual looking mouth.

He appeared nervous and seemed uncomfortable with the crowd. I watched as he shifted back and forth and fidgeted, biting at his lower lip. I recognized at once what I had come to call the "Junkie Shuffle". Having been around addicts most of my teenage life, I knew what it looked like when somebody needed a fix, and boy did this kid need one bad. I felt sorry for him. A couple years ago and that would have been me.

I tapped a cigarette out of my pack, flipped open my lucky strike and drew in the nicotine laden smoke, allowing this, my only vice, to ease my mind. I closed my eyes, tilted my head back against the wall, and sank into a sick little fantasy.

That sexy young addict across the room, down on his knees in front of me, his hands on my hips, looking up at me with those beautiful brown eyes.

"Yeah kid, I'll toss ya a couple hundred bucks to get your fix if you fix me first, and I ain't talking about drugs. Ya feel me?"

I imagined my cock in that sweet mouth of his, imagined him pulling on it, drawing on it, as if it were a life line for him. I could almost feel my hands tangling in that thick black hair, pulling on it, dragging him all the way down. "Don't stop!" God, this was going too far! I didn't even know this kid!

I felt my pulse rising and I clenched my fists to keep from touching myself in the middle of this crowd. I knew my face was red, and I could feel the sweat breaking out on me.

"Edward Cullen! What in the hell are you doing?" Christ, only Alice would walk up to me at that exact moment and stop me from coming in my jeans!

"Well, what do you think I'm doing? I'm sitting here, trying to have a smoke, it's hot as hell in here, and you are in my face yelling at me!"

"Yeah, whatever!" she replied as she walked away. I swear to God I think that girl is a mind reader! Well enough of this! Mom was waving at me to get my attention, so why not walk over there? Why not go meet that sexy Quileute boy? Mom turned toward me and smiled.

"Chief Black, please meet our son Edward. He's an architect."

I reached out to shake the hand of the man in the wheel chair. He looked up at me with his sharp black eyes, and I swear, for a moment I thought he could see my entire life in that handshake. I was vaguely aware that mom was still talking.

"Edward, this is Chief Black's son Jacob. I think he's close to your age aren't you Jake?"

"I'm eighteen" he said, as he reached out to shake my hand. The world swam out of focus for a moment when our hands touched. It seemed like the ground shook or something. I could hear mom's surprised exclamation.

"Eighteen? My goodness, I would have thought he was twenty-four at least. He's such a big boy!"

Yeah, Jake certainly was a big boy. I'm pretty tall, but I was eye to eye with him, and he was buff, and I mean buff. I was pretty sure that if Rosalie had been there with us, she would have tried to scout him for some underwear add! He definitely had the look.

I wasn't sure how we managed to slink away from the group, or maybe they moved away from us, but I found myself standing alone, face to face with Jacob. Now it was my turn to shift nervously. He was looking down at his feet, hands shoved into his pockets, pulling his low riding jeans even lower and exposing the band of his boxer briefs. I suppressed an urge to suck in a breath at the sight of them, and wisely suggested that maybe we should go sit down.

He nodded, and replied, "sure, sure", so we found a couple of chairs in the back, and sat down together. I tilted my head so I could look directly at him and snickered.

He flashed me a blazing look up through those long thick eyelashes. "What is so damned funny?" he asked.

"You are!" I replied. "So, what's your poison?" His eye's widened in surprise, and then narrowed immediately in suspicion.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Oh you know what I mean." I replied. "You're in trouble. Or at least you will be real soon by the look of things. I can see how nervous you are. Your sweating like a whore in church, you can't sit still. Oh and let me guess, I bet your head is about to blow right off your shoulders isn't it? Yeah, real soon it's gonna start."

I finished and looked away feigning boredom with the conversation. Jake, for his part, stared wide eyed at me. He was clearly getting pissed off. I wondered if maybe I'd read him wrong. Boy would I feel like a fool if I had.

Jake shifted in his chair and turned completely toward me. Our knees were almost touching. I glanced back at him, tilting my head down and looking up seductively at him. I knew that was a good hook for me. It had worked in the past to drop lots of panties and part lots of pretty legs. But then again, there were no panties here, only CK boxer briefs.

"So what exactly is going to start?" he asked with a slight shakiness to his voice.

"Oh you know exactly what." I answered. "First, the paranoia, then the nausea and shakes, and last, but certainly not least, the awful, wrenching, stabbing, aching pain. But I say what the hell, at least pain is something. If I didn't feel it, I wouldn't know I was alive. Pain is beautiful! So what's your poison?" I asked again.

"What, you think I'm a junkie or something?" Jake asked.

"Oh I don't just think it, I know it." I answered.

"The Hell!" He seethed at me. "You don't even know me!"

I watched as he gave himself away with a standard move all addicts do from time to time and don't even realize it. He wrapped his arms around himself and scratched both his forearms at the same time. He clenched and unclenched his hands and his eyes shifted all over the crowd as if he was looking for an out. I noticed however, that he was still sitting beside me though.

"You not gonna answer me?" I asked as he sneered and turned away. "Is it liquor? You don't look or smell like a boozer."

"No", he answered slowly, hesitantly. I could tell that he didn't quite trust me yet.

"It's ok. Believe me, I understand. I used to be so hooked on heroin that I couldn't even go one day without it. Won't you tell me?" I leaned over and whispered to him.

"Well, it's not heroin. I just like narcotics. You know, prescription pain pills, Lortab, Xanax, Valium, stuff like that."

He looked nervously away, but seemed to be a little more relaxed. Every junkie loves to find a like-minded soul who understands their pain.

"Yeah, I know. I was always fond of Oxycontin myself, but that shit is hard to come by even if your dad is a doctor." I laughed.

" Do you…do you have anything?" he asked as he looked up at me again through those long lashes in a desperate, pleading sort of way.

I was almost afraid to tell him no, cause from the look of this kids huge biceps, I was pretty sure he could choke me without even trying.

"No, I don't carry anything any harder than nicotine these days." I answered.

"Oh, I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. I mean I don't have any money." He replied dejectedly. "We're poor as hell, me and my dad. He's disabled, and government checks only go so far. I work as a mechanic for my cousin Quil, but I barely make enough to pay our bills."

"I thought your dad was a Chief?" I asked.

"Yeah, he is. But that doesn't mean what it used to mean." He replied.

He started to get up, but I put a hand on his arm and tugged him back down to the chair. "Jacob, don't go." I said. "I'll be glad to help you if I can. Do you know where you could get something if you had money?" I asked.

"Yeah, of course!" he perked up. "My cousin Jared and his friend Paul are the local hook up. I don't know where they get the shit, and I don't care. It's always good. But wait, why are you going to help me? I mean how are you going to?" He asked suspiciously.

"I'll buy it for you." I replied. "I have plenty of money, and I can't stand to see someone suffering like that. It reminds me too much of when that was me. So how much do you need?" I asked reaching for my wallet.

He blushed and stammered, "Oh, I don't know. I can't take your money."

"Will a couple hundred be enough?" I asked, and when he didn't answer, I reached over and slipped the money into the pocket of his leather jacket. When he turned to look at me, I saw the beginning of a protest starting, and I held up both hands.

"No, take it. You never know, I might need a favor someday." I said as I patted him on the shoulder. My wicked mind was entertaining just such a favor at that moment.

Him naked, bent over my pool table, my hands gliding over the sweaty dark skin on his back, sliding over all that taunt muscle, grabbing ahold of his hair, jerking his head back up toward me as I bit down on his shoulder. My big hard cock sliding in to him, so tight, so perfect… Oh yeah, it's just a fantasy. Back to reality. I took a long thoughtful drag from my cigarette and tried to clear my head.

"Well I don't know how to thank you." He breathed. The relief was so apparent in his voice.

"You don't have to kid, just go get your fix and make it last. I hope I'll see you around here sometime. I just built a vacation house at the end of High Gap Road. Maybe we can hang out sometime."

"Oh my God! That's your house? Jesus, you are loaded!" he gasped.

I laughed as I stood up and stretched my arms. "Yeah, I was born under the lucky Cullen name, but I'm not the star of that sitcom. My dad is the super-hero. I'm just like the janitor that sweeps up after the party."

Now it was Jakes turn to laugh, and when he did, I could see how young he really was. But no matter, it was time to go. People were leaving, and I could see mom waving me over toward them, as everyone headed to their cars.

Jake stood up and reached out to shake my hand again. "It was sure great to meet you Edward." He said smiling at me. I clamped my hand on him massive broad shoulder and returned the smile.

"You too Jake. I really do hope I see you around." He grinned and turned to walk away. I couldn't help pausing to admire his retreating form. I felt a hand slip into mine and I jumped in surprise.

"So who was that?" Alice asked. He's smoking hot!"

"Yeah, he sure is." I admitted. Alice didn't really approve of my lifestyle, but she didn't openly condemn it either. She rolled her eyes at me.

"He looks awful young. Are you a gay pedophile now?" She asked cocking her little head at me.

"He's legal!" I replied a little too defensively. "And besides, he's the Chief's son, so I don't really think there is much of a chance for something with him." Alice rolled her eyes again as we walked on toward the car.

"You never know." She said. "I mean you don't usually give your money to just anyone. I thought you were buying his services for the night or something."

"Christ, you saw that Alice? I swear to God girl, you've got eyes in the back of your damn head!"

"Well Edward, if you're trying to be clandestine, maybe you should look around first."

We got in the car and headed off toward High Gap Road with mom and dad behind us again. My nerves were totally on edge. This was my one chance to impress dad. This has to work. Just has to.

Warning! The next chapter will be very dark. Please stay tuned to find out if Edward's plans work out as he hopes.


	3. Chapter 3

Libera Me

Chapter Three

After the Fall

EPOV

We had been driving for about thirty minutes when it finally came into view, my masterpiece, perched on the side of the mountain. Even in the rain it was impressive.

"Oh Edward, look at it! Oh they are just going to love it!" Alice squealed.

We pulled to a stop beside the front porch, and got out of the car. I turned to watch as mom and dad climbed out of the Mercedes. Mom clasped her hands together under her chin and smiled.

"Edward, did you build this?" she gasped.

"Yes, I designed it and oversaw the construction, but I got our little Alice here, to furnish it and pick out the art-work." I answered.

As I walked toward them, my heart was literally pounding inside my chest with anxiety. I noticed my father's ever critical eyes as he appraised the house. He finally turned toward me.

"Well son, you certainly have outdone yourself. It's beautiful. Great work!" He said, as he patted me on the back.

I felt lighter than air. In that moment, I could have grown wings and flown off. I considered handing him the keys right then, but it had been Alice's idea to wait until they had seen the inside first. So I opened the front door, disabled the alarm system, and let them all in to wander around and look things over.

While they were taking a tour of the house, I went into the kitchen. Alice had thoughtfully stocked the little wine fridge with dad's favorite vintages. I opened a bottle and poured a glass for all four of us.

"Come down here." I called up to the three of them, as I sat the glasses on the counter top.

Mom was the first to walk into the kitchen. She came straight over to me and wrapped her arms around me. It was easy to see that she approved of the house. I handed her a glass of wine and watched as she looked around the room.

"Mom, I thought of you and Jaz when I designed it. I knew you guys would like the location being, that it is so close to La Push."

"Oh Edward, it would be so lovely so stay here when I'm working. But aren't you going to sell it?" Mom asked.

"No mom, it's for…."

"Alice, get down!" I heard my father shout.

I turned to look, and saw to my horror that Alice was walking on the handrail of the kitchen balcony. She was holding onto a nearby tree branch for support.

"Don't be silly!" she laughed. "I have perfect balance."

"Get down Alice! You are fifty feet up, and the rail is wet from the rain!" I pleaded with her.

"Come on Edward. I'm just enjoying the view. Did you tell them yet?" she asked.

Then several things happened at once as I started around the bar toward the balcony. I meant to pull her down off the railing.

"Tell us what Edward?" mom asked.

"Alice, be care….." dad started to shout.

He never got to finish. I never reached her. Mom's question would go forever unanswered.

Alice's little, silver, ballet style shoes slipped on the wet rail. The branch she was holding onto snapped as she grabbed at it. She fell.

I remember her face as she went over the rail. She looked surprised, like she couldn't believe it was happening. She never screamed. She just fell in silence, and landed in the forest below. Her head struck a tree stump.

I didn't need to go down to her. I didn't need to be right there, to know she was dead. The angle of her head in relation to her body spoke volumes. She could not have survived the fall.

Dad was in instant motion. He ran outside dialing his cell, and shouting at mom to follow him. But mom stood frozen in the kitchen. Her wine glass had fallen from her hand and broken, a dark red stain spreading onto the carpet at her feet. Her hand was raised as though she were still holding the glass.

I managed somehow, to make it out the front door, and down the bank to where dad was frantically trying to resuscitate Alice. Each time he pressed down on her chest, there was a sick cracking sound. It was caused by her broken ribs. Her face was so white. Her eyes blank, and staring up at nothing.

There are no words for this.

I sat in the back of the church. I never removed my sunglasses. I never looked up. The priest delivered an impressive eulogy about how "Life is Beautiful", and I was reminded of a certain Heroin Diaries song. I think it talked about how it took a funeral, to make us feel alive. Life didn't seem beautiful to me. It seemed like a sick, fucked up joke.

I stood numbly as family, friends, and business contacts all filed past us, offering hugs and condolences. Funerals are for the living. They are not for the dead. The dead don't give a damn.

For the next two months, I stayed with my parents in their high rise pent-house in Seattle. Rosalie had gone back to L.A. a couple days after the funeral. How she was going to pull off running their business without Alice, none of us knew, but she was a cold blooded business woman. I guessed she would be ok eventually. Dad had gone back to work right away, and taken Emmett with him. Jasper floated around the house like a ghost, silent and pale. Mom on the other hand grieved constantly.

She would stand staring out the window, looking at the skyline and crying. Sometimes, late at night, I would see her going through old boxes, digging out Alice's baby clothes and looking at pictures. I thought it was macabre, but at least she was trying to work through some sort of a grieving process.

As for me, I sat alone in my room and drank from sun up, to sun down. I measured time not by the clock, but by the bottle in my hand. Neither mom, nor dad, had ever blamed me for what happened to Alice. But I took the responsibility.

If I hadn't built that damn house, none of this would have happened. I had done it for my own selfish reasons. I had wanted dad's approval. My desire to raise my ego had killed Alice. It was my fault she was gone.

So I made a decision. I would just drink and dope myself into oblivion. There were worse ways to die, and at least I would be numb to all this misery.

So back to the present. While I had been remembering all that hell, the Tacoma rush hour traffic had begun to break up. As it drifted along the freeway, I drifted with it. I was on my way. Back to Forks. Back to La-Push. Back to my house. That glass and steel house of misery where I could take myself out in peace, with only Alice's ghost for company.

But that's not exactly what happened. My plans, even the best laid ones, never go exactly how I want them to. I was off, on my quest for self-destruction.

I would not be alone in that quest.

Stay tuned for Chapter 4. Edward gets himself into a fight, gets rescued, and well…..Lemons!


	4. Chapter 4

Libera Me

Chapter 4

The Enabler

EPOV

I pulled into La-Push at about 9:00pm on a Friday night. The shabby little general store had a crowd of young Quileute boys and men standing around on the porch. A few of them looked to be well on their way toward being plastered.

I couldn't help but notice the stares, as I parked the Vanquish in front of the store. They were probably thinking that I was a tourist who had come to take advantage of the poor Indians. But I was not a tourist, and the Indian that I wanted to take advantage of, was not on that porch.

"Can we help you friend?" A tall slim young man, who appeared to be the leader of the rabble asked.

"No thanks, I'm just picking up a few things." I replied as I pushed through the crowd toward the door.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I was suddenly jerked around to face a bristling, short, dark haired, muscular, young man.

"Hey you fucking creep! Sam asked you a question." He shouted.

As he stood there scowling in my face, a crowd began to press in around us, and I started to feel a little claustrophobic. Still, I couldn't help but notice that this angry fellow would have been quite gorgeous if not for that scowl.

"We don't want any pale faces around here." He sneered.

"Easy pal. I just wanna get some booze, and then I'm outa here." I replied.

"Fuck you man! The booze in this store is for Quileute's only, not your kind!" He hissed as he put both hands on my chest and pushed me back toward the crowd.

I really wasn't in the mood for this dickhead, but I supposed getting the shit kicked out of me would not be all that bad, considering how I already felt. But there was no ass kicking in store for me that night.

"Get your damn hands off him Paul!" a familiar voice shouted.

The angry young man was suddenly jerked backwards and fell onto the porch, landing right on his ass! The crowd swiveled around to see who had put Paul in his place. I already knew. I would have recognized that voice anywhere.

"What the fuck? Jake, I outa bust you!" Paul yelled as he was pulled up to his feet by another handsome, dark haired young man, a young man I would get to know very well in the coming weeks. His name was Jared.

I turned to look at my savior, who was facing off with Paul. Well, he wasn't really facing off, because Jake was at least a head taller than Paul, who was really a little bit short.

"Shit Jake, whatcha wanna go and break that up for? Paul was gonna fuck up that white boy." Jared laughed.

"Piss off Jared." Jake replied, not taking his eyes off Paul, who was still bristling for a fight.

"Piss off? Is that anyway to talk to your favorite cousin? Come on Paul. Let's take our business somewhere more friendly." Jared smiled and winked at me as he pulled Paul off the porch and down the steps.

As Jake turned toward me, I couldn't really do anything but stare wide eyed and open mouthed. He was standing there, less than a foot from me, barefooted and shirtless wearing nothing but a pair of cut off kaki cargo shorts. The shorts were riding so low on his narrow hips that if they slid any lower, not much would be left for the imagination.

He had all of his beautiful black hair pulled back into a pony tail at the base of his neck with only a few strands loose around his face. As I swept my eyes over him, I noticed things I'd never noticed before. I took in his huge biceps, well defined chest and six pack abs. He had a gold hoop through his left ear, and a matching one in his left nipple. There was some kind of tribal tattoo on his right shoulder. God, but he was breath taking with such rich, dark skin stretched over all that muscle.

His huge, dark eyes with those long, thick, upwardly curving lashes and those full, pouty looking lips were quite a distraction. Oh this is not going to be good, I thought as I felt a stiffness growing against the crotch of my jeans.

"Hey Edward!" Jacob called as he crossed the short distance between us and playfully punched my shoulder.

"Whatcha doing in hostile territory at 9:00pm on a Friday night? Don't you know the natives start to get restless around here when the moon comes out?"

"Yeah, I noticed." I answered.

I looked around nervously at the other boys on the porch, but they were milling about, and not really watching anymore. More than a few of them looked disappointed that the fight they had hoped to see was not going to happen.

"Well, as for what I'm doing here, I'm staying up at the High Gap house, and I just came to get some supplies for the night." I said distractedly as I tried not to stare at the most beautiful boy in my world.

"Oh. Well, I'll come in with you. You'll need my protection against the harpy inside." He said laughing as he pushed open the door, and held it for me.

A little bell over the top of the double doors rang as we walked inside, the brightness of the interior blinding me momentarily.

"Hey Black! You know the drill. No shirt, no shoes, no dice!" a woman's voice called.

"Go to hell Leah!" Jake said, pushing his way inside with me on his heels.

"I'm not here to socialize or shop. I'm working body guard for this white boy tonight, and he wants to buy some shit. So leave us alone!" Jake called in her direction.

I nearly choked on my laughter. Body guard! He could sure as hell guard my body any time!

The girl he had addressed, stood behind the counter with a cigarette hanging out of the corner of her mouth. She had shoulder length black hair, the same shade a Jake's, and her eyes were the same deep, piercing black color. She looked about my age, and would have been pretty except for the scowl on her face. It marred her features, and made her look, as Jake had said, like a "harpy".

"So what ya after?" Jake asked.

"Oh, just some snacks for tonight, a carton of cigs, and some Jack if they got it." I replied.

"Oh yeah, they got it!" Jake said.

So I got a shopping cart, and loaded it up, or rather I pushed as he loaded it up. He was tossing stuff in randomly, and chattering on like a hyper squirrel. I assumed that he was probably hyped up on something, meth if I had to guess by the high energy level he was displaying.

But maybe it was just narcs. I knew that for some people, they had the opposite effect, and made them chatty and hyper. I hoped he wasn't on meth. Meth makes people look ugly after time. I didn't want anything to ruin this kids good looks. He was just too sensual.

"Hey, you wanna hang with me tonight?" I asked. "I got all the movie channels on the satellite, and I can't eat all this shit myself."

"Well hell yeah!" Jake shouted. "Anyway, I owe you big time for the other day."

I picked up a couple more bottles of liquor, and a case of beer, and we pushed the cart to the checkout.

"I'm gonna need to see some ID." The harpy behind the counter seethed at me.

"Sure, no problem." I replied, as I pulled my wallet out of my back pocket, fished out my ID and handed it to her. I noticed them both staring at the wad of cash folded there. I turned and smiled at Jake.

"So whacha wanna do tonight?" I asked, as Leah handed my ID back, and began to put the groceries and liquor into paper bags.

"What ever man. I'm game for anything." Jake replied.

"You better not let your dad find out you're getting wasted with this white boy." Leah snorted.

"Piss off Leah!" Jake shouted.

I began to wonder if that was his favorite phrase. He looked so cute when he was flustered. Although it took us three trips to get all the stuff loaded into the car, I was relieved when we finally pulled away from La-Push, and onto the dark road leading to my house.

"Is it too cold?" I asked, remembering that I'd had the AC pumping in the car, and he wasn't exactly fully dressed.

"No, I'm good." He replied.

"So how have you been Jake?" I asked as casually as I could.

"Oh, pretty good." He replied. "I made good use of your money, kinda stretched it out as much as I could, tried to slow down a little bit. But you know how that is."

"Yeah, I do know. But I should tell you, I'm totally off the wagon. So if you're trying to quit, maybe you shouldn't be around me right now. I intend to get totally shit-faced tonight, and stay that way for a long damned time, maybe forever." I replied.

I let out a breath, and looked ahead into the darkness. I hadn't intended to let so much emotion loose in one statement, but it was obvious from the look on his face, that Jake understood what I meant. He was quiet for a minute, and when he spoke again, his voice was serious.

"I heard about your sister, man I'm so sorry. My sisters drive me insane, but I would just lose it if something happened to them."

I felt my precarious hold on reality begin to slip. The façade I was maintaining was beginning to fail as well. I had never really grieved for Alice, preferring to hide my misery behind a wall I'd put up around myself. It was hard to give in and let it all out. I had always thought tears were a weakness that I couldn't allow myself. But when he turned to me with large, vivid, sympathetic eyes, the dam broke.

I started talking. I told him about that day, what I had wanted, what I had hoped for, the reason why I had built the house. I told him about my past, how I had always felt like I wasn't good enough, how my dad had almost disowned be when I came out. I spilled everything to him. It felt so cathartic just to get it the hell off my chest, all the stuff I'd been hiding for so long. I didn't realize I'd been crying until we pulled into the driveway, and I could barely see.

I managed to shift into park somehow, but I knew I was in no shape to navigate that dark, mile long driveway in this $80,000 car. We'd end up in a ravine for sure, victims of a flaming car crash. While I wasn't interested in self-preservation, I was pretty sure the kid with me wasn't ready to cash in his chips just yet.

"Edward, do you want me to drive?" he asked almost hesitantly.

I struggled to find my voice, but finally managed to stammer out a question.

"Can you drive a stick?" I asked.

"I can drive anything." Jake replied.

I heard his door open and then the driver's side door next to me. I felt the heated air from outside flow over me, then his big hands on my arms, pulling me out. He steadied me as we walked around the front of the car, the headlights flashing as we passed in front of them.

He helped me into the passenger seat, still warm from where he had just been. I looked out the side window as he drove us up the drive.

"Do you want it in the garage, or just out here?" Jake asked.

I fumbled on the driver's side visor for the remote and punched it, raising the garage door. He pulled the car inside the garage, and took the remote from me. I heard the door closing behind us.

"Hey, are you gonna be ok?" he asked.

"Yeah I'm ok." I replied clearing my throat.

"I just lost it back there. This is the first time I've been up here since…."

I didn't bother to finish. The automatic lights switched on in the garage illuminating the interior, and I felt suddenly self-conscious with him sitting there looking at me like that.

I got out of the car and stretched. He got out too, and stood looking at the bags in the back seat.

"Why don't you go on in? I'll drag this stuff up." He said.

So I left it to him, and went on up to the first floor. I turned on all the lights, and disarmed the alarm system. Then I collapsed on the white sofa in the living room, the pretty one that Alice had picked out.

Alice! God, I gotta get something in my system! I wasn't sure booze was what I needed, but it was all I had. I could hear Jake in the kitchen behind me, puttering around and putting things away. I reached for the remote, and keyed up the satellite. I put in on "Skinamax". I figured Jake would like that channel. I didn't really care.

"Jake!" I shouted. "Don't bother with glasses, just get your fucking ass in here with a bottle ASAP"

"Sure, sure!" he called sarcastically from the kitchen. "White man still thinks he can boss the Indian around even after all these years"

I had to laugh despite my self-loathing misery. Jake was light-hearted and funny, and even though I was bent on self-destruction, it was still nice to have someone here with me. He tossed a bottle of Jack in my direction, and popped the top on a can of Bud.

"No Jack, Jake?" I asked, cocking my eyebrows at him.

He smiled and held up the beer. "Nope, one of us needs to stay on the planet tonight." He replied.

"Oh, why is that?" I asked grinning at him.

"I don't know." Jake blushed and laughed. "I don't even know what I'm saying."

"Hey, in all seriousness, can I ask you something?" I asked as turned toward him.

He had sat down in the recliner near the couch, and was lounging sideways in it, with his bare feet dangling over the arm. I leaned closer and laid my hand on his left knee. He looked up at me, and that look seemed to be full of anxiety, fear, confusion, and possibly suspicion.

"Yeah, what?" he asked.

I cleared my throat again, and prepared to ask him a very serious question

"You are awfully hyper tonight. You're not methed up are you?"

"Oh." He replied and then laughed, now clearly relieved. "Oh hell no! I don't ever touch that shit. Around these parts, you can't be for sure what you are even getting. A kid from the rez up north of here almost died from some shit he thought was meth. I'm not brave enough for that! No, I'm just psyched out that you asked me to hang with you. You know, a rich white dude wanting to hang out with a piss poor Quileute boy, isn't exactly the norm."

"No, I guess not." I replied. "But I like you Jake."

My hand was still on his knee, and I began to move my thumb in small circles over his soft skin.

"Hey! Get off me you fag!" He laughed as he tossed a pillow at me.

I ducked, and smacked the inside of his calf as I slid back into a lounge on the couch. Jacob cleared his throat, suddenly serious again.

"Is that why you asked me to come up here with you?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to be as nonchalant as possible.

"You know, I mean you told me you're gay and everything. I was just wondering if that's why you asked me to come up here with you."

I turned to look in his eyes, and noticed that he was clearly nervous again.

"Jeez kid! Do you think I brought you up here to get you plastered and take advantage of you or something?" Christ! I'm not gonna rape you!" I laughed.

But I couldn't help the many erotic scenes of me doing just that with him, that were running instantly through my thoughts. Oh, I was so glad that he wasn't a mind reader, or he would have picked up on the waves of pleasure that were rolling over me. He would have noticed the growing bulge in the crotch of my jeans. Ok! Enough of this. I'm supposed to be trying to take myself out, not get myself laid!

"Relax Jake. I may be selfish, spoiled, and a jerk, but I'm not a rapist, and I'm sure as hell not a pedophile!"

I laughed and spun out of the way as he tossed his empty beer can at me.

"Piss off white boy! I'm legal and you know it!"

"So is that an invitation?" I asked, lowering my eyes and attempting a mockingly seductive look. To my surprise, he looked completely scared again.

"Come on Jake! For God's sake lighten up!" I said as I downed another swig of Jack.

"A man who drinks that much as your age, won't live that long." He said.

"Yeah man, that's the plan. You know what they say, it's better to burn out than to fade away!" I answered.

"Sure, sure. You want something to eat? I'm starved!" He said, as he got up and walked toward the kitchen.

"No, go ahead." I answered as I turned to watch him, admiring the sensual sway of his narrow hips, the graceful way he moved.

I felt a little guilty for inviting him into my private nightmare, but I just couldn't bear the idea of being here alone, even if that had been my original intention. He ate, I drank, we watched soft core porn. He told me about himself, and I listened.

He talked about his life, and how hard it had been since his mother had been killed, and his father disabled when a drunk driver had hit them head on. He said his sisters took care of the shopping, and running the house, and he more or less took care of his dad, and tried to make some money. He told me that most of the rez boys were addicts, and that Paul and Jared had some connection down in LA they got their shit from. He explained how he usually got his dope from them on credit, and then worked on their cars for free.

"Not a good way to make a living." I said.

"No, but what do you do?" he replied.

We continued with that kind of casual talk for the rest of the night. Sometime toward morning, when I was plastered just past the point of rational thought, I became aware that he was helping me up off the floor where I must have fallen. I wasn't sure that his helping me was such a good idea, since he was just as unsteady on his feet as I was. But we somehow made it up the steps to my bedroom, and he helped me into bed.

"Stay with me." I pleaded. I wasn't sure how it came out, but he evidently got the picture, as he collapsed beside me, and was almost instantly asleep.

When you are plastered, you don't really sleep deeply, or at least I don't. I drifted in and out of consciousness, and my dreams were very vivid, very real. I dreamed exclusively of Jake.

We were kneeling, face to face on my bed, only inches apart. I reached out and twined my fingers through his long hair, feeling the smooth texture of it. I looked deep into his big brown eyes as I leaned into him and brought my lips against his, so soft, so full. God! He is so young! I shouldn't be doing this. It's wrong. I felt like I was corrupting him, but I couldn't stop.

I deepened the kiss, sliding my tongue into his mouth, feeling it move with his. Waves of heat washed over me. I slid my hands down his back and drew him up against me. As we continued to kiss, he moaned against my mouth, and the vibrations of it were nearly enough to send me over the edge.

I broke the kiss, and moved my hands around to stroke my fingers over his chest, brushing them lightly over his nipples and feeling them harden. I pushed him down onto his back on the bed and hovered over him for a moment. If he was scared, his face didn't show it. His eyes were dark, heavy, his breathing was deep, rapid, his skin flushed. God, but he was beautiful when aroused!

I lowered my head down to his chest, and gripped his nipple ring in my teeth, tugging slightly. He grabbed the sides of my head, twisting his fingers in my hair and pulling me tighter against him as he hissed with pain and pleasure. I had to stop for a minute and look up at him before I could continue.

"Do you want me to stop?" I asked. He didn't speak, but shook his head no.

"Are you scared Jake?" I asked, as I trailed my hands down over his chest and chiseled abs.

"No. I'm not scared!" He choked out.

"Let me take these off." I begged, as I popped the top button of his shorts.

He didn't stop me as I lowered the zipper, and slid them down over his hips and legs. His breathing picked up again, and he swallowed hard, as I slid my hands back up his legs, pushing them slightly apart as I went.

"Can I touch you Jacob?" I asked, ghosting my warm breath along the inside of his thighs.

I crawled up over him, until I could feel the warmth coming from the crotch of his boxer briefs against my face. He never bothered to answer me. I guess he was just too far gone to care. I drug my finger-tips over the hard bulge in his boxers and blew on his lower abdomen. He reached down and began to slide his underwear off without me even asking.

"Oh, you like this do you?" I asked seductively.

"Shut up white boy!" He hissed at me. "Are you gonna make this worth my wile or what?"

"You betcha!" I replied, and helped him get out of his boxer briefs.

I wasn't really surprised that he was so big. I mean, the rest of him was massive, so why not his cock? But wow, it really was big! I wrapped my hand around the base and began to stroke him slowly, very slowly. I wanted to drag out the pleasure for him as long as possible. I wanted to hear him beg me, and somehow, I knew that he would.

I kept blowing my hot breath over the leaking head of his of cock as I stroked slower and harder. He was trying to thrust up against my hand, but my other arm was lying over his hips, and I was keeping him pinned down to the bed. He couldn't do anything to increase his pleasure. He could only get it from me. He squirmed under me, and tried to push my arm off.

"No, no!" I said, grinning up at him. "You just lie still and be a good boy!"

"Piss off!" He hissed at me. "I need…." He trailed off, too proud to say what he needed, or maybe to shy.

"What do you need little boy?" I asked, feeling both wicked, and immensely powerful.

"You know what I need you fucker!" He choked out as he bit his lower lip to suppress a moan.

I loved how I had him there balanced with pain on one side, and pleasure on the other. Only I could decide how it would go.

"Tell me what you want Jacob, or I swear I'll stop and leave you like this."

"You wouldn't!" he gasped horrified.

"Oh yes I would!" I replied as I leaned down and brushed my lips against the head of his hard, throbbing, swollen cock. I moved my other hand down to cup his balls and noticed that they were pulled up tight against him.

"Oh you need it bad don't you baby? Been a long time has it?"

"Go to hell!" He shouted.

"Just say it little boy! Tell me what you want. Tell me what you need. I'm not afraid of who you are, let me in, trust me. I'm not gonna hurt you."

I kissed the tip of his cock again, and trailed my lips down it. He tried once more to squirm out from under me, but didn't make any progress. He was just too far gone.

"I can't stand it!" He shouted, clutching the sides of my head. "Go down on me! Please, please, I'm begging you!"

"Oh with pleasure!" I replied. But just as I slid my lips down over the head of his cock, the view shifted.

My head swam with dizziness. I wasn't in my bed anymore. I was standing in the kitchen, and Jake was on the balcony looking in, his hands pressed against the glass of the closed door. He was dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt, with his long hair pulled back. He smiled and motioned for me to come out. I tried to move, but my feet were like lead.

"Come on Ed! Join me! We can fly" He called, as he climbed up onto the railing.

"No Jacob! No!" I screamed. "God no! Please get down"

"Come on, we can fly!" He turned to look back at me, and smiled as he stretched out his arms and jumped.

"No! Oh God no!" I screamed over and over again till I was hoarse.

I crawled over to the balcony, yanked open the door, and looked over the railing. Lying there on the forest floor below wasn't Jake. It was Alice. She opened up her pale blue eyes and looked at me.

"Are you going to take him out with you? Are you going to kill him like you killed me?"

I jerked awake, and felt the bile rising in my throat. I tried to stand up, but the room spun, and I dropped to the floor. Somehow, I managed to get into my bathroom, and promptly vomited into the toilet. I felt like I had a jack hammer inside my head, and my ears were ringing. I couldn't help but notice that there was some blood in the vomit, and as gross as that was, I had sense enough to realize that wasn't a good sign. I suppose I didn't care at that point.

I staggered to my feet, flushed the toilet, and leaned over the sink to rinse out my mouth. Although my knees were weak, gradually my head cleared enough that I could stand fairly steady. What an awful dream! It had begun so perfectly, and ended up so horribly! Was my conscious trying to tell me something, or was it just a bad dream born out of guilt over Alice's death?

I glanced back into the room, and noticed Jake, still lying there in bed. He was on his side, facing away from me, sound asleep and snoring. I can't, no I won't take this kid down with me. He has problems, but I'm not gonna make them worse. I won't do it! He doesn't deserve it from me.

But then again, I am a piece of shit just the same. I was in this too deep now. I knew I was in love with him. That would be enough to damn us both.

Sorry this chapter took so long to get posted. Edward fans beware! He will do something utterly unforgiveable in Chapter 5, so get ready!


	5. Chapter 5

Libera Me

Chapter 5

I am the Devil

Note from the author: OK guys, before we get started, I just wanted to give you all a fair warning. You may not like this chapter, and it may be too dark for some of you. You have been warned! But you are going to read it anyway right?

EPOV

"Don't look back. You can never look back. If you do, regret will getcha!" Jake tipped his bottle and drained the last of the Southern Comfort. I really couldn't understand how he could drink that shit. It was awful!

We were on our way to Paul and Jared's house. Just two junkies who needed to replenish our dwindling supply. Five months has passed since Jake moved in with me, and we were getting deeper and deeper into drugs.

I had become a bit of an expert at driving under the influence, but Jake was still a little too impulsive to trust behind the wheel of an Astin Martin when he's wasted. Not that it mattered to either of us. We pulled into the drive of the dilapidated, white story and a half house where Paul and Jared lived, and noticed Jared in the yard, barefoot and shirtless with a nine iron in his hand. I suppose that would have seemed odd to anyone else, but neither of us seemed to think it unusual.

"Hey, hey my boys! What's up? So what can I do for you?" he asked with that stupid snarky grin he always had plastered on his pretty face. Good Lord! What is in the water in La-Push that makes all the boys so beautiful?

"Whatcha got?" Jake asked, his speech heavily slurred.

"Well man, what you want? Seems to me like you guys are two sheets to the wind already!" Jared replied.

"You gonna fix us or what?" I asked, making no effort to hide the irritation in my voice.

"Yeah, yeah, Jeez pushy white boy! Come on in!" He called, walking away as he waved us toward the house.

Jake and I got out at almost the same time, and staggered into the house. Paul was sitting at the kitchen table with a scale, weighing out pot. He looked up when he saw us come in, but didn't say anything. His mouth pinched into a tight line. He really didn't like me, and had made the comment, right in front of me, that he thought I was ruining Jake. The sad part was he was right.

"Well, so what you need?" Jared asked, leaning casually against the kitchen wall.

"We want Oxycontin if you got it, Valium, and Xanax also." I replied.

"Lortabs too, if ya got em." Jake added.

"Yeah." I sighed. "We want all that, and a bag of weed."

"All that and a bag of weed, sure thing!" Jared sing-songed as he hurried into the back room.

"So what's all this we shit? Can't either of you think for yourselves?" Paul asked.

Jake didn't answer. He'd gotten up, and stumbled over to where Seth, his younger cousin, was sitting on the floor in front of a huge flat screen, playing Wii. Jake flopped down cross legged on the floor to play with Seth. He turned to look back at Paul who was giving me the evil eye.

I thought about what Paul had said. Jake and I were never apart. Over these last few months, we'd gone everywhere together. We'd fallen into a friendship that to others might have seemed strange, but for us, worked out beautifully. We were mutually co-dependent. I needed him to make existence bearable while I worked on my plan to die slowly of drug addiction. He needed me to supply his dope and take care of him.

Jasper had accused me of treating Jake like some king of little pet. I'd taken him to Tacoma on shopping trips, and bought him bags of designer clothes that on his own, he could never have afforded. He had so many clothes now, that he could open up his own Abercrombie store. I couldn't help it. I wanted him to have everything.

But it was all manipulation on my part. I talked him into dressing like that, in those Hollister and Abercrombie clothes. I bought him shell necklaces and bracelets, gold hoop ear-rings, expensive Nike shoes, pretty much anything that I wanted to see him in. He had always worn flannel shirts or t-shirts with work boots and Carhartt pants, but that was the old Jake. The new one was like a high school fashion statement. I'd made him cut his long hair too. Oh, not all the way, just to his shoulders. It was cut in long layers that hung around his face. He was always pushing it back out of his eyes. I thought it made him look a little older, and despite the fact that he rarely worked out anymore, he was still pretty defined. God, I loved the way he looked!

I'd taken him to Seattle to meet some of my old friends, friends who knew I was gay. They had assumed that we were a couple, and that was exactly what I'd wanted them to think. Jake had been oblivious to the whole thing. I'd sat next to him on the couch, and from time to time brushed my fingers through his hair, laid my hand on his knee, anything to convey to them that he belonged to me. They were very impressed that I'd been able to score such a beautiful boyfriend. Poor Jake. He'd had no clue that ten random guys in Seattle thought he was gay now. It had been my doing.

I was jealous of him, that was certain. He didn't belong to me like that, but I wanted him too. I didn't like it when he spent time with other people. I'd made comments to him about it. Just casual manipulative little statements to the effect that if he spent too much time with Seth, Paul or Jared, that he might just have to move in with them instead of me. Once when he'd wanted to go visit his dad, I'd thrown an absolute fit, shouting at him that when his dad got him home, he'd call the cops and have me arrested for doping Jake up. Yeah, I'd slowly isolated him from everyone he loved, and made him dependent on me. It had been all too easy with the drugs. He needed the shit as much as I did. He knew with me, he didn't have to pay for it. He was trapped in a way. Both of us were trapped, in chains of our own making.

Paul had weighed out a bag of weed and closed it with a twist tie. He tossed it at me, stood up, lit a cigarette, shoved his chair angrily back, and stomped outside. Yeah, he fucking hates me. Jake, who was totally absorbed in the game, either didn't notice, or didn't care.

I watched him as he sat there cross legged on the floor holding the Wii controller, laughing and joking with Seth. He seemed suddenly so young, so innocent, so vulnerable. I sat there as wave after wave of guilt rolled over me, and it occurred to me that life here, in a house with drug dealers, might be better for him, than life in a mansion with me. I was like a vampire, slowly sucking the life out of him. But I didn't get a chance to continue my thoughts down that road, as Jared chose that moment to re-appear with a couple little baggies of full of pills. He tallied up, I paid, and we left.

I had asked Jake if he wanted to stay awhile and hang with Seth. I'd figured that I owed him some time with his friends and family, and it might make Paul ease up. But Jake, like me, was all about the junk in my hands, and had followed me out the door like a little lost puppy. We drove home in silence. It was like that with us sometimes. We didn't need a lot of words. Or maybe, we just didn't know what to say to each other sometimes.

"Shit man, whose car is that?" Jake asked as we pulled up to the house.

"Oh God, it's Jasper! Fuck! I hope mom's not with him!" I gasped. This would suck with us both smelling like booze and weed, and me packing baggies full of narcs.

"Put this shit in the glove box." I said, handing everything to Jake. "We'll come back down and get it all latter."

We pulled into the garage, and made a pit stop in Jakes bathroom on the lower lever, to brush out teeth, gargle with Listerine, comb our hair, and spray on some cologne. Up close, the subterfuge would not last, but from a couple feet, we might be able to pull off looking and smelling sober.

We headed up the stairs to face my brother, and possibly my mother. I saw the back of Jasper's head. He was sitting on the white couch that Alice had picked out. I didn't see any sign of my mother, so I decided to go on the offensive.

"You mind telling me how the hell you got in here?" I shouted across the room. He didn't bother to turn and face me when he answered.

"The door was unlocked. Really Edward, you have a lot of valuable stuff in here. You could at least lock your doors."

"Valuable!" I snorted. "You could burn it all, I don't care. I'll go live in a tent. Why are you here?" I asked as I lit a cigarette.

"I'm here as a favor to father. He sent me to see what was going on. You never answer anyone's calls, and you're depleting your bank accounts and trust fund balances. You just left everything to Eric. He's doing fine with it, but he doesn't really appreciate having to run the business alone."

Jasper stood and turned to face me. His eyes popped out in shock.

"My God Ed, you look like hell!" he exclaimed. I saw his eyes drift to the left of me, and I knew he was looking at Jake. "Jacob, is that you?" he asked.

"Yeah, it's me." Jake replied.

"What is Jacob doing here?" Jasper asked, directing the question at me.

"He lives with me, and it's really none of your damn business." I replied.

"Jacob, would you mind if I talked to Edward alone for a minute?" Jasper asked.

"Sure, sure." Jacob replied, and made his way back down stairs to the lower level of the house where his bedroom was.

I waited until I heard his door close, and then turned toward Jasper, ready to unleash a torrent of angry words. I never got the chance. I was momentarily blinded by a slap to the side of my face.

"You fucking prick!" Jasper shouted. It's bad enough that you are back on the shit, but now you've decided to drag that poor Quileute boy along, and bleed your misery all over him. All so you don't have to go down alone."

God, what could I say to that? Jasper was right. He was probably the only person in my family, who had enough common sense to cut through the bull-shit, and lay it right out. I slumped down into the recliner and tried to come up with a scathing reply as he paced back and forth in front of me.

"Are you trying to kill yourself Edward?" Jasper asked.

I didn't answer right away. I couldn't. But when I noticed that he was still staring at me, I knew that he wasn't going to let this die. I cleared my throat, and decided to tell him the truth. He was really the only one in my family besides Alice, that had ever tried to make the effort with me anyway. He deserved at least that much from me.

"Alice is dead. It's my fault. I wanted dad to be proud of me, so I built this damn house, and she's dead because of it. Yeah, I came back here to kill myself with the booze and dope. But I met Jake, and now…." I stopped, and hesitated as I tried to form the words I wanted to say.

"Now I'm not sure that I want to die anymore. He makes me happy I think. I like to take care of him. He needs me."

"He doesn't need you!" Jasper shouted. "Look at him! You've changed him. He used to be a good kid, but not anymore. You've turned him into another pathetic junkie just like you. Two little junkies in a glass house on the edge of the rez! Do you really think that Alice would have wanted this, for you to throw your life away like this and destroy Jake's life as well? Are you guys together or what?"

I was too surprised to answer right away. I was still trying to absorb his tirade, and that last question came at me right out of the blue.

"No, Jake is straight. I just take care of him, get him what he needs. I take a lot better care of him than his dad ever could. He can have whatever he wants here with me. I would get anything for him."

"Edward, it's not about money." Jasper signed. Jake is just a kid. He's too young to be living here with you like this. He has his whole life ahead of him. Do what you want with yours. You're stubborn, and you'll do what you want anyway. Just please think about what is best for Jacob. Don't burn him down too. Look, I have to go, mom is expecting me. Please think about what I said." Jasper turned and walked out.

I was pretty certain that they didn't really care about me. Dad was just worried about the family's reputation. To hell with it!

"Jake!" I shouted. "He's gone, you can come up."

"I'm right here." Jake answered from behind my chair. "I snuck back up the stairs and stood out in the hall so I could listen. I hope you don't mind."

"No, but I guess you heard all that?" I asked.

"I heard that your brother thinks we're gay lovers!" He laughed.

"Well, if we are then it's a sexless relationship." I sneered at him.

"Yeah, yeah, look, I'm gonna go get the stuff out of the car. You just sit there and be gay." He replied.

"Oh I will sugar!" I answered. He just rolled his eyes at me as he disappeared down the stairs.

I really wasn't sure what happened to the rest of the day. We hit the pills really hard. At one point, I needed to go piss really bad, but I was so fucked up, that I decided it wasn't worth getting up, and just pissed in my jeans. Sometime later that evening, I woke up on the kitchen floor lying in my own vomit.

My head was spinning as I struggled to clean up the mess on the floor. I managed somehow, to get upstairs to my bathroom, by holding on to the wall for support. I felt a little better after a shower. I got myself cleaned up and slipped into a pair of cut off sweats. I decided to go look for Jake.

I found him passed out, face down on his bed, with a towel wrapped around him. His hair was still damp, and he smelled like Axe body wash. I guessed that he'd thought a shower was a good idea too. He was completely plastered, and didn't wake up, or even move when I shouted his name, and shook him. What a dilemma! I was faced with an important decision, a decision that would most likely affect the rest of my hopefully short existence. What to do? In situations like this that I've faced in the past, I've always decided to consult my two best friends. You know, the devil on my right shoulder, and the angel on my left. That night however, I was out of luck.

"He's out cold. He'll never know!" The devil on my shoulder prodded me.

I waited for the angel to counter, but after a short time of hearing nothing, I decided my angel must be on vacation in Vegas. So you know, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

I sat down on the side of the bed and slid my hand up the back of his leg, drifting my fingers toward the inside of his thigh as I moved up under the towel. I leaned over him, and kissed the soft, silky warm skin between his shoulder blades. He was so beautiful, so perfect. He smelled too good. I knew it was wrong to touch him like that, I couldn't help myself. I'm going to hell!

"He'll never know." My shoulder devil continued to prod me. "Go ahead, stay with him, touch him."

"Jake." I whispered into his hair, next to his left ear. "Is it ok if I touch you?" But there was nothing, no response. "Can I take this towel off?" Again, nothing.

It was not easy to pull a towel out from under a six foot something, one-hundred seventy pound eighteen year old who is dead weight, but such was my determination. I wanted him too much. When I was finished with that task I stood up to admire my handiwork, and the sight of him, naked, lying there like that, was just too much for me. I could feel my hard cock pressing painfully against my cut off sweats, so I jerked them off.

I sat back down and pushed his legs apart. Just a quick one, I rationalized. He is passed out, it won't hurt him, he won't feel a thing. My head was still swimming from the narcotics, and I was drowning in my own sweet endorphins. I decided, unwisely, to throw caution to the wind. I knew I'd probably not get another chance like this. Although it wasn't exactly the way I'd always imagined it to be. It would have been better with him awake, and willing, but since I'm going to hell anyway, I might as well be thorough about it.

I leaned over and fished through the top drawer of his bedside table for a condom, and slipped one on. Then I spit into my hand and rubbed it all over my cock for lubrication. As I pushed two of my fingers inside him to lube him up, l leaned around to look at his face, again, nothing. He didn't seem to notice. This is it. The feeling of Euphoria peaked as I moved up over him, pushed against that tight opening, and slid inside of him.

"God yes!" I moaned loudly. He was so tight, so warm. I was in heaven, and on my way to hell. I looked down at him, and noticed his eyelids were fluttering, and he was whimpering something unintelligible, and clutching at the sheets. I was so far gone, that I mistook those signs to mean that he liked it. At that point, I was literally pounding him into the bed. I was all about myself, all about my own pleasure. I was greedy, selfish, and I wanted it to last forever. I had wanted him for so long. Nothing else mattered.

When my orgasm finally took me, I collapsed against him, blinded for a moment, as white hot stars exploded behind my eyes, and my whole body tingled. I rode those precious waves, until they slowly ebbed and faded. Then I pulled out of him, and made my way into his bathroom. I pissed off the condom, and splashed water on my face.

I didn't feel guilty, I didn't feel good, I didn't feel anything. My momentary burst of ecstatic joy was gone. All I was left with was emptiness, nothingness. That's the trouble with drugs. They do take away the bad feelings, but they take away the good ones as well.

When I blundered back to where Jake was lying, I noticed that although he still appeared to be passed out, there were tears running down his cheeks, and he had bit his lower lip. I small trickle of blood had run down his chin and neck onto the mattress below.

"Jake." I called softly as I stroked my fingers through his hair. "Are you ok?"

"You hurt me." He whispered. "Why did you do that?" Then he went right back to sleep.

Though I tried to wake him up, I could get nothing further out of him. I covered him up with his blanket, and brushed my lips against his cheek, tasting the salt in his tears. I made my way back upstairs to my room. I needed something hard core to put me back to sleep. I wanted to forget the way he'd looked, the things he'd said.

I rummaged through the little black bag in my bedside table, and found what I wanted. It was a syringe and some vials. I'd not shot up in a really long time, at least not since Jake had moved in with me. There really had not been any need. Jake was my tourniquet, my drug, my high. The narcotics had just made it easier to forget the things I didn't want to acknowledge. Like the fact that he wasn't really my boyfriend. Addiction is a selfish thing, and addicts become selfish. You can only see things from your point of view. But the way Jake had looked just now, the things he'd said, had caused a moment of clarity. I'd glimpsed the ugliness, the awful creature I'd become, the things I'd done. I couldn't take that. I slipped on the tourniquet, accessed my vein, and found release.

This was my only hope, it took away everything. But the only anesthetic that makes me feel nothing kills inside. As I lay back on my bed with the needle still in my arm, the sweet blackness began to roll over me. The last thing I could remember was the sound of his voice.

"You hurt me. Why did you do that?"

Author's Note

Ok, so it was a really long time coming. Sorry it took me so long to get this posted. Reality intrudes you know. I've been having some trouble with my account, and I can't respond to the reviews for some reason. So to everyone who had left reviews, I really love and appreciate them. Hope they get this problem fixed soon. Anyway, the next chapter will switch to Jake's point of view. We'll see what he thinks about the situation. Stick with me!


	6. Chapter 6

Libera Me

Chapter Six

The Victim

Authors Note: Ok guys, this one will switch to JPOV and from here on out, the story will shift at times to different POV, but will remain mostly Edwards. This is a short, but necessary chapter. Hope you like it.

JPOV

When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was pain. I hurt everywhere. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I slid out of bed, and tried to stand up, but the muscles on the backs of my legs and gluts were literally screaming at me. I couldn't do it. I was just too damn dizzy. I crawled across the floor, and into the bathroom, where I lay on the floor for some time. The cold tiles felt good, and I began to slowly come back to myself.

I'd had a really bad nightmare last night. I'd dreamed that Ed had done something awful to me. He'd held me down by my arms and raped me. He had hurt me, and hadn't even cared when I'd cried and asked him to stop. He hadn't even heard me. I knew Edward was gay, but I didn't believe that he would do something like that to me. I couldn't imagine why I'd dreamed it.

When my head finally cleared enough for me to stand and I got a good look at myself in the mirror, I couldn't believe what I saw. Dark circles, sallow looking skin, sunken eyes, not to mention all the weight and muscle I'd lost. I could definitely see the difference. I noticed a trail of dried blood going down my chin and neck. I could feel a sore spot on my lower lip, and deduced that I must have bitten it at some point, or perhaps fallen and busted it. Either situation was plausible. For a moment, I entertained the thought that perhaps I might be a vampire, and that was why I looked so bad.

I flipped on the shower, and climbed in. As the warm water washed over me, and I became more awake, I looked down over myself, and noticed several things at once. I saw hand shaped bruised on both my upper arms. It looked like someone had grabbed ahold of me and held on hard. The bruising was worse on the back of my arms, but I swear it looked just like finger prints. As I looked down, I almost became nauseous, at the sight of blood running down the inside of my legs onto the shower tiles. Upon closer inspection, I could see that it was dried blood that was washing off of me.

What the hell? Why is there dried blood on the inside of my thighs? Why do I have bruises all over me? Why is my lip busted? Why am I hurting in places that I shouldn't be? I felt my knees hit the hard tile floor of the shower before I was even aware that I'd collapsed.

That dream, that God damned dream! Only it wasn't a dream. It had been real, it had really happened, he'd done it. That son of a bitch had raped me! He'd done it to me in my own bed, taken advantage of me when I was passed out and helpless! I felt nausea coming over me again, and leaned over to vomit into the toilet, that was when I saw the condom floating there. I totally lost it. I threw up, and fell back onto the floor of the shower.

I leaned up against the wall as the water washed over me. I drew my knees up, wrapped my arms around myself and fell into despair. I shook, I cried, I hated him, I hated myself. I wanted to kill him, and then I wanted to kill me. I could clearly remember something Paul had said to me, not so long ago when Edward and I had gone to get drugs.

"That white boy ain't your friend Jake. He's just using you, and when he's done with you, he'll throw you away. You'll be all alone, addicted, and broke. He doesn't care about you. He's gonna hurt you. Get away from him."

Oh God, how I wished I'd listened. Sometime later, I stood beside my bed looking down at the blood on the sheet. I didn't bother to cover it up. I'd packed up my backpack with all the new clothes and stuff he'd bought me. I'd at least get away from this with something. I'd taken the opportunity to pilfer all the cash that I could find laying around as well. It was no small amount. I think it was about five thousand or so. I figured the bastard owed me after what he'd done. I slipped on my black leather jacket, tossed the letter I'd written to him down on the bed, and walked out the fucking door. I'd called Jared, and he was waiting for me outside.

"Where do you wanna go?" He'd asked as we pulled out of the driveway.

"Take me to the fucking hospital, I'm sick." I'd replied. "Take me to the hospital at Port Angeles."

Authors Note: So what did you think guys? Poor Jake. Hated to do it to him, but he was a little naïve don't ya think? In the next chapter we will read the letter Jake left, and see what Ed's response to it will be.


	7. Chapter 7

Libera Me

Chapter Seven

Despair

EPOV

"_Edward, you are a filthy fucking piece of shit! You are the lowest kind of trash there is! You were supposed to be my friend, but you betrayed me in the worst possible way. I can't believe you did what you did! I knew you were a low-life faggot living off your daddy's money, but I didn't think you were a heartless rapist! How the hell could you do this to me? How? You hurt me! How could you? I always thought, racial differences aside, that we were just a couple of good friends. But_ _I guess Paul was right about you all along. Hell, even your brother was right. Well, I'm not gonna stay here and be your crutch you sick bastard! I'm getting out. I'm gonna try to save myself. I don't give a shit what you do. Go ahead and kill yourself! The world will be a better place without monsters like you in it. SO FUCK THE HELL OFF!"_

I'd read the letter at least a hundred times since I'd found it on his bed. The week that had passed since he'd left, was a blur of mindless agony for me. I didn't eat, I barely slept, he was everything, and now everything was gone. All that bullshit you hear about not taking things for granted, well it was a cruel irony for me right now.

I kept remembering the way he'd looked the first time I'd ever seen him, standing there at the preserve beside his dad's wheelchair. He'd have been better off if I'd never met him. He fucking hated me now, and I deserved it. I knew I did. I'd never cared about anybody before, not the way I'd cared about him. I had been in love with him for sure, but I hadn't even realized it. I always managed to drive away, or hurt everyone I loved. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me, that made me do the things I did. I had never wanted to hurt him, but I was so selfish. I could only see the things I wanted. I never really thought about the other people in my life, the people I hurt with my self-absorption.

Days faded into weeks, and weeks into months. I'd used up everything in the house, and I didn't want to go to Jared's to get more. I assumed that was where Jake had gone, and as much as I wanted to see him, I couldn't possibly face him after what I'd done to him. I couldn't really understand why he hadn't just beat me to death that morning. He could have done it easily. He was stronger than me. Even strung out like he was, I would have been no match for him. I also wondered why Paul had not showed up to waste me. Maybe Jacob hadn't told anyone what happened. I guess he was probably too embarrassed. I would have been.

I kept remembering how he'd looked the last time I'd seen him. I kept remembering what he'd said.

"You hurt me. Why did you do that?"

I lay on the kitchen floor, and looked out at the brown leaves falling and collecting on the balcony that Alice had fallen from. It had been almost a year since she'd died, and that balcony had stayed locked. I had broken the key off in the lock, after I'd had that dream about Jake jumping off of it. Now, as I lay there on the floor in the misery of withdraw, I wished I'd not broken the key off. I wanted to get that door open so I could jump the hell off, and get out of this misery.

Of course, I could climb up on the roof and jump, or throw myself out any of the top floor windows. It would be so easy, a dagger to the heart, a little poison, so many options. The truth was, I didn't care if I died, I just plain didn't care.

So that's how it was when Jasper found me, laying on the kitchen floor in my own piss and vomit, almost starved. Another couple days like that, and it would have been over. But my torture wasn't yet at an end. Jasper called an ambulance, and they took me to the hospital at Olympia. I'd wanted to go to Port Angeles, or Seattle, but dad and Emmett didn't want me at the hospital in Seattle where they practiced, and Jasper had found out that Jake was in the rehab unit at the Port Angeles hospital, so Olympia was where I ended up.

They put me on the Critical Care unit for about a week. The shoved lines in all my orifices, and fed me through the tube in my nose. They had tied my hands down so I couldn't pull out all those damn lines they'd put into me, lines that were in me against my will, pumping and dripping unwanted life back into my body.

Jasper stayed with me. I remember Rosalie's face hovering over mine a few different times, and Emmett's once or twice. I know mom was there as well, but she stayed out in the waiting room most of the time. Dad never came.

When I was strong enough to eat on my own, and able to keep it down, they moved me to the Mental Health unit. They gave me medication to stop the withdraw, and slowly weaned me off of everything. Those days were the worst of my entire life. Miserable craving pain was all l knew. I needed the drugs. I cried, screamed, vomited, clutched myself, cursed everybody and everything. They had me on suicide watch, and rightly so. I would have ended that misery in a moment if the opportunity had presented itself.

When I was able to sleep, and that wasn't very often, I dreamed about Alice, the day she died, and about Jake, and what I'd done to him. My mind would not let me have a moments rest, even in sleep. But slowly, very slowly, the drugs left my system, and eventually, the cravings stopped. I wish I could say the same about the nightmares, but they went on and on every night.

Jasper had been staying at my house in La-Push so he could be close if I needed anything. He'd hired a cleaning company to clean up the house from top to bottom, and it looked about like it had the day Alice had died. When they released me, Jasper took me back there to get a few things.

On the way to the house, he told me that despite my prolonged absence, my business was doing well, and Eric was happy with the numbers. Jasper said that mom and dad wanted me to come back to Tacoma and sell the house at La-Push, since it caused me so much pain. They all thought I should come home and go back to work, try to get my mind off everything, make a new start.

"Just try to move on Edward." Jasper said.

I knew he meant well, but I also knew that there would be no moving on from this. Jasper told me that Jake had been released from drug rehab, and was back at home living with his father. He told me that Jake was doing well, but I wondered if he really was.

"I talked to Billy yesterday, and Jake is doing fine Edward. Please leave him alone, and let him get on with his life. He's trying to heal. I know you cared about him, but he was just too young." Jasper sighed.

We pulled up in front of the house, and my heart began to race. The house from hell! It was like a bad dream that I couldn't escape from. We walked together through it, and I was surprised to see so much light. It seemed almost like a different place altogether, but then again, I was looking at it through sober eyes. I hadn't seen it like that in over a year. Jasper was droning on in the background about how he had hired a real estate agent to come and put the house on the market for me. His voice faded completely out of my head, when I noticed something in one of the glass dishes on the kitchen counter.

It was one of Jakes bead bracelets. It was his favorite one. He had always worn it. It had little turquoise beads and shells on it, with a little carving of a wolf. He had been wearing it the day I'd met him. Why had he forgotten it? I picked it up and ran my fingers over the beads and shells one by one. I felt Jasper's hand warm on my shoulder.

"Let him go Edward. He's just a kid. You know he was too young."

Yeah, I knew he was right, but that didn't make it any better. The love I had for him, the aching, wrenching months of longing for him, the hideous and unshakable need for him, nothing would ever make that go away.

We rode in silence back to Tacoma. My old life was burning away, burning like the incense rising from church candles, burning like the dead, dry leaves in autumn. I closed my eyes and leaned back against the leather seat. What is the point of going on?

Jasper had taken the liberty of having my car towed back to Tacoma for me, and it was waiting in the parking garage under dad's building. I moved back into my old room in their high rise apartment. Mom and dad left me alone most of the time. It was like no one really knew what to say to me. I went back to work with Eric, and that was kind of a good thing. He was always bubbly and friendly. He tried. They all tried, but how do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you put the pieces back together? Some hurts just go too deep. Some scars just won't heal.

I tried to get back to some semblance of normal life. I ate, I drank, I went through the motions, but I was a ghost. I wanted to believe that life might get better again, but every time I closed my eyes, I saw his face, I heard his voice, crying to me that I'd hurt him, begging me to stop. I knew I had blocked out some of the details of that night, maybe in an effort to protect my own mind, but I knew there was more to it than I believed.

I never talked about that with my therapist. I kept him talking about the drugs and all that shit about how my being gay had caused the rift with my father. He knew I was hiding stuff, but I just couldn't talk to him about Jake. I would have to face the truth about that night, and I couldn't do it. I feared it would break my mind completely. I just kept telling myself that he had been passed out the whole time, that he hadn't felt anything, but the signs indicated otherwise, and the dreams didn't lie.

Had he really been awake? Had he been crying for me to stop? Had he tried to stop me? Had I misjudged how strong I thought he was? No, I won't entertain thoughts like that. It wasn't that bad. It couldn't have been. But the dreams remained, like the haunting specters of the night they came to me, always the same, night after miserable night.

Authors Note: Edward is going through some hell right now. But he does deserve it. In the next chapter, he will continue to try to move on. Bear with me as he moves through this phase. Jake will come back into the story, but it may not be the way you think! Lemons in the next chapter!


	8. Chapter 8

Libera Me

Chapter Eight

A Bolt from the Blue

EPOV

I never saw it coming, and I would never have believed it if I had. Lilly! God, it had been years since I'd seen her face. Lilly was the daughter of one of my dad's business partners. Her father, a big time record producer, and my dad, had teamed up on a lucrative real estate investment deal a few years back. I'd gotten to know Lilly then. She was a pretty petite brunette with clean girl next door looks, and big innocent eyes.

We had made a shot at dating, and everyone had hoped she was the one for me, but even then I'd known I was gay, and it became obvious to her that I just wasn't that into it. She had eventually tired of my luke-warmness, and moved on with her life, but we'd remained on friendly terms. Now here I was, face to face with her again after all that time.

Rosalie was home from L.A. with her new fiancé, a pretty boy model named James, and she had taken the liberty of throwing a big birthday bash for dad at our penthouse. Lilly's father had come to the party, and Lilly had come along with him. She had spotted me from across the room, and made her way through the crowd to me, flashing that million watt smile as she hugged me against her.

Despite my orientation, I could still appreciate a warm, soft body pressed up against me, and for a moment, I entertained a wicked little fantasy of slipping off alone with my former girl for a little one on one. But she wasn't at this party alone, and I wasn't over Jake enough yet, to think of really acting on something like that.

"Edward, I'd like you to meet someone." She said smiling, as she turned toward the guy she was with.

My heart stopped for a moment, and then leap up and lodged itself in my throat! The boy she was gesturing towards, looked so much like Jacob, that for a moment, I actually thought it was him. I was so startled that I dropped my wine glass. Lucky for me, it landed on the carpet, and luckier still, it was empty when it did.

"I'm sorry." I said rather hastily. "I thought you were someone else."

The guy's name was Steven Strait, and he wasn't actually her date. They were just friends. He was an actor from L.A. She has met him on the set of a movie he was working on, some ridiculous Disney flick called "Sky High" or something. He was drop dead gorgeous. I swear from a distance he could have passed for Jake, except for the bright red streaks in the sides of his black shoulder length hair. They were about the same height, and build, and the eye and skin color was the same. Steven had pretty eyes though. Jake's eyes were somewhat deep set, and it sometimes made him look mad even when he wasn't. God, I was going to compare Jake to every man I saw! Steven was standing there looking at me like I was crazy, and at that point in my life, I probably was, so what the hell?

Sometime during the course of that evening, Lilly and I managed to end up alone together in a dark corner. We caught up somewhat, of course there were things I wasn't about to tell her. We did talk about Alice, and it was ok. It felt good to let it out again to someone who wouldn't judge me. I told her about being on and then back off drugs again. She told me that she understood why I'd done it, but was glad I was clean again. It felt right to talk to her about things that hurt. In a way, I felt I could trust her more than I'd ever trusted that expensive therapist dad had recommended. Long story short, I ended up asking her to have lunch with me the next day, and since she was staying in town for awhile, she agreed.

So it began with just a simple invitation. If I had known what was going to happen, I never would have extended it, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. So many things I'd done lately seemed like good ideas at the time.

"Yeah, like what you did to Jake. That seemed like a good idea at the time huh?" My shoulder devil taunted me. I would have punched him if I could. After all, that bastard had been the one to encourage me to do it. Oh hell! I would have done it anyway, and I knew it.

At any rate, I wanted to be happy again. I was really trying for the first time in a long time. I was beginning to wonder if maybe Lilly could be that happiness. We dated for a couple of months, got physical, and eventually moved in together. We found a great apartment in Seattle, with an awesome view. With our combined trust funds, we could afford the best. Time passed, the pain lessened. I never forgot it, but it finally dulled to just background noise.

From time, to time, little things would crop up and remind me though. Like the fact that the house in La-Push had never sold. But that was probably because I had jacked the price up so high that I got no offers. Despite all the pain it caused me, I just couldn't let it go. That house had been the last place where Alice had been. It was the last place I'd been with Jake. There were just too many reminders, and I wasn't ready to let it all go just yet.

I'd kept the little bead bracelet with the wolf on it. It was the only reminder I had left of him. It was the only thing that let me know he had been real. Sometimes, when I was alone, I would go into the bathroom, sink down on the floor, hold that bracelet in my hands and sob. I tried to push the aching need for him down deep, but sometimes it just came back of its own volition.

I tried to ask Jasper about him sometimes, but I always got the same stale answers

"Leave it alone Ed. He's doing fine."

I'd even dialed Jared's cell a thousand times, and sat with my finger hovering over the send button. I never actually called him. I couldn't imagine what I would say. I guess I just wanted confirmation that he really was ok.

At night when I was lying next to Lilly, I would drift in an out of dreams about Jake. One night not long after we moved in, I had a particularly vivid dream. I couldn't believe that I didn't wake her up.

I dreamed that I pulled up in front of Jared's house. Jake came running out and jumped into the car. He was so excited and happy to see me. I told him I was taking him home, that I'd come back for him. But we never made it to the house.

He had unbuckled his seat belt, and slid over towards me, running his hand down the front of my shirt, slowly unbuttoning it as he went. Lower and lower his hand moved, down to my belt, I cleared my throat, and mentioned something about how this might not be such as good idea while I was driving. He apparently didn't mind. I had done nothing to stop him when he leaned even closer, the sunlight gleaming on his dark hair, and shattering in his beautiful eyes.

He lowered his head, and looked up seductively at me like he was trying to lure me on. Not that I needed it. I found a rest stop and pulled the car over. I was afraid we were going to get caught, but not afraid enough to stop him. He grinned that crooked sideways grin of his at me, and dropped his head down into my lap. I was quick to assist him in getting the front of my jeans open, as he slid his warm hand inside my boxer briefs and pulled out my hard cock.

I reached down and eased the seat back to give him more room to work his craft. He was so ready, so willing. As he slid my cock into his warm wet mouth, tightening those full sexy lips around it, I gripped the back of his t-shirt, and pulled it out of his jeans. I pushed it up and ran my hand over his back, feeling the silky soft skin. God how I'd missed him! God how I needed him!

His mouth was so strong. It was so different with a guy. With girls, they are soft, submissive, ready to surrender. With two guys, it's like a war for power and control the entire time. It's rougher, more erotic, as both of you fight for the upper hand. It was something I had never really gotten used to. We were fighting now, as I tried to pull him up to kiss him, and he kept on doing his thing. I didn't want to come in his mouth. I jerked him up by the hair, yanked him out of the car and into the woods. He came along willingly enough, laughing at me holding my pants up with one hand.

When I thought we'd gone far enough, I stopped, and pushed him down on his knees in the leaves. He went back to work on my cock, and I let him do it for a minute, running my fingers through that silky hair, holding onto his head and guiding his movements as much as he'd let me. Again, that struggle for dominance even in his submission. It was beautiful to me. I needed that struggle, that conflict. It was what I wanted. When I tried to pull him off again, he fought me, and I ended up shoving him back onto the ground. He landed on his ass in the leaves and threw a handful of them at me. I took the opportunity to pounce on him as he was off balance, and ground my crotch against his.

He looked up at me with those large vivid eyes, his mouth slightly parted, a sheen of sweat on his skin. The scent of him rising like some precious incense to greet me and fan the fires of my already smoldering passion for him. As he pulled at my clothes, and I tried to help him, I knew in the pit of my heart that I would never love anyone the way I loved him.

I took me only a minute to get out of my clothes, I got him out of his in even less time, and I was on him like a predator moving in for the kill. I gripped his huge biceps and held onto them for leverage as I rocked against him. Give it to me! Yes, your surrender! I need it, I want it. Never let you go! Mine, and no one else's! So hot, so tight, I couldn't hold back. I could feel him pushing against my chest, but I didn't pay any attention. I could hear him asking me to stop, telling me I was hurting him. I couldn't stop. I had no desire to stop. He was mine! He belonged to me. I could do whatever I wanted.

"Edward, you're hurting me! Stop, please!"

I came hard into him, blinded by a rage I didn't understand, overtaken by an all-consuming need to possess him completely, even unto the point of ignoring his will in the matter. As I pulled out of him, and stood up, I looked down at him. He was lying there with tears in his eyes, trying to shield his face from me with his arm as though he was afraid I would hit him.

"Why? Why do you keep hurting me?" he shouted.

He yanked his jeans up and began to run back toward the car. I did the same, and followed him as best as I could. The sunny day had changed drastically into a powerful summer storm, and the wind was suddenly blowing so hard that I couldn't see for the debris blowing up into my face.

"Jake stop!" I screamed, but got no answer.

He was running blindly in the storm, and as the rain began to pour down upon us, the forest was suddenly lit up with a flash of lightening that stood my hair up on end. Thunder crashed, the trees were blowing madly as I called and called for him.

When we finally burst out of the woods, he ran right past the car and was moving so fast, I couldn't catch him. I screamed his name as he dashed right out into the center of the road, and into the path of a truck.

I saw his tear stained face, the surprise in his eyes as the truck bore down on him. There was no time to stop. There was no way for me to reach him. The last thing I heard as I jerked awake, was him screaming.

I somehow made my way into the bathroom without waking Lilly. She has slept through the entire thing, though I was pretty sure I'd been thrashing about in the bed. I splashed water on my face, and stood leaning over the sink and staring at myself in the mirror. It was only a dream, but how much longer would I have them. Why had he tried to cover his face like that? Did he really think I would actually hit him?

Over the next few months, I tried to settle into a routine with Lilly. I told everyone that I was happy, because it was what they wanted to hear. I kept up the charade. I'd spent my entire life pretending for others, I could pretend for her. I tried to make myself believe that she really was the one, and that we'd just gotten off track somehow before.

We made plans to get married next spring, and decided to announce the big plans at my parents Christmas party. It seemed like a good thing to do. Lilly was so happy. I smiled and went along with anything she wanted. I hoped that eventually the dreams would pass. But it seemed like they never would. I knew that if I really wanted to be free of them, I would have to go back and relive that night, revisit the things I was suppressing. I wasn't ready. I knew I would find things I didn't want to face. Push it down, deep down. That's the only way to do this. The only way to survive, that is, if this is living.

Authors Note: So the kids are not all right. But we knew that didn't we? Edward is hiding things in his subconscious, and that only works for so long, eventually the dam will break. In the next chapter Edward gets a heart wrenching shock, and stumbles on with his foolish plans. Wait and see what badness is about to go down in the land of make believe!


	9. Chapter 9

Libera Me

Chapter Nine

Vivid Reminders

EPOV

Lilly was out of town with her father the day the invitation arrived. It was a plain white envelope addressed to Dr. Carlisle Cullen and family. The return address was Forks. The sender, Bella Swan, Chief Police Charlie Swan's daughter. Mom had opened it, and left it lying on the dining room table. I chanced upon it some time latter, and read it.

My heart shattered.

_Charlie and Renee request your presence as they celebrate the joining of their daughter Isabella Marie Swan to Jacob Ephriam Black on February 14, at two pm. The service will take place at the La-Push Reservation Community Center. Reverend Harry Clearwater officiating. Please RSVP._

My world shattered.

My God, it shouldn't hurt so bad! I was engaged myself, so what difference should it make to me if he was? Bella was a good girl, pretty, smart, she had a future. She could give him so many things that I couldn't. She could give him a life with warmth, safety, happiness, security, and a child in the future if he wanted.

I went to my old room, and dialed Jared's number. This time I put the call through. He answered on the first ring.

"Hey white boy! Thought I'd never hear from you again. Are you in town? Need a fix?"

"No, I'm in Tacoma." I answered. "I just saw a wedding invitation. So, Jake and Bella huh?" I asked.

"Yeah, they hooked up right after he got out of rehab. She works up at the hospital in Port Angeles. She was going to see him in rehab after she got off work in the mornings. You know, things just kinda started up with them after that. He's working back at the garage with Quil and Emery." Jared replied.

"So is she knocked up or what?" I asked. "I mean, why the hurry to tie the knot?"

"No, you know how girls are. She just wanted to get married I think. Anyway, I heard that you were putting on the ball and chain yourself. Never would a thought it of ya."

"Well, you know things change. People change." I replied.

"Yeah, I know. Look man, I gotta go. Call me when you got business for me."

"Sure thing." I replied.

I honestly didn't want to hang up the phone. Just hearing Jared's voice had reminded me of Jake so much. It was a pale substitute, but it was better than nothing.

I really had to get a grip on this. Lilly would be home that evening, and she would pick up on it, that something was wrong, as soon as she got in the door. I wished I'd never gone over to mom and dad's that day. I'd only gone over to see if mom wanted to have lunch with me, then I'd seen that damn invitation! Some day I'd learn to mind my own business.

I called Eric and told him that I was taking the rest of the day off. I headed back to our apartment to clear my head, and get in the character before Lilly got home.

I forced myself to smile when she breezed in the front door, and gave her an enormous hug. I took her out for a fine dinner that night, and when we got home, I fucked her like there was no tomorrow. I should have gone to L.A. with Rosalie, and become an actor. I deserved an Emmy for my performance. After all, faking happiness was my specialty.

Authors Note: So Edward just got some really bad news. We'll have to see how he takes it. Stay with me, there are a couple of short chapters coming. Then we get back into the meat of things.


	10. Chapter 10

Libera Me

Chapter Ten

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day

EPOV

February 14, 2:00 pm, Jasper and Mom had gone to the wedding. I had decided it would be best for me to stay home. I knew that I was the absolute last person Jake wanted to see on his special day. But maybe Jasper and Jared were right. Maybe he really was happy. It gave me some peace to think so.

I thought back to Christmas, a couple short months ago, and the party. Lilly had made the announcement about our engagement. She'd picked a date in mid June. She thought a June wedding would be best. As for me of course, I couldn't care less. It would be just another day of living a lie, just another Oscar worthy performance.

I sat by the window in my apartment alone, thinking about what was happening two hours away in La-Push. I imagined them standing there, holding hands. I thought of his face, his smile. For a moment, I imagined that I was the one standing there facing him, holding his hands, pledging to love him forever. I imagined the I do's, the promises to stay together. I pictured him closing his eyes, and leaning toward me as the pastor said; "You may now kiss….". Kiss who? You're husband? You're partner? Edward?

God, I could only imagine the uproar something like that would have caused! I could see Paul's angry face, Jared's mocking grin, Jasper's shocked expression, and mom's disappointed one.

Well, I guess it's better this way. He fucking hates me anyhow. Maybe it will be all right. I'd pussied out and sent a vase of thirty long stemmed white roses to Lilly at her office, being that it was Valentine's day and all. I knew how girls were about getting shit on Valentine's day. She'd called me at least three times since she got them, to tell me how much she loved me, and how happy I made her.

I felt nothing this Valentine's day except guilt over the way I was lying to someone who loved me, and extreme, bitter sadness over the loss of the one I loved so much. He probably wishes I was dead, as well he should.

I'd been a monster to him, unable to think and see clearly, not capable of understanding anything except my own wants and needs. But that's what happens when you are an addict. It is very selfish, and you become selfish. What I had believed was love, was nothing but a duel pathway to destruction.

I'd taken him for granted, used him in every way, dressed him up like my own personal little male model, I'd changed him and made him into something he wasn't. I'd even allowed my friends to think he was my lover, all for my own selfish reasons. I'd never asked him how he felt, I'd just drug him along behind me, tied to me with our mutual chains of addiction. I'd lost myself, but I'd gotten him lost as well.

But I'd done more than just lose him. I'd broken him. I'd taken something from him without his permission, something I could never give back, and he would never be the same again. But maybe that was a good thing after all. Maybe he had to meet me, and hit bottom in order to get better. If I could make myself believe that, then maybe it would be ok.

This was supposed to be a happy day. I couldn't believe that. Maybe someday, but not today. I was still sitting by the window when Lilly got home. She wanted to go out for dinner, so I made reservations at her favorite place, and we went out into the crowded Valentine's day traffic. So many happy people. Does anyone see behind my mask? Does anyone out there know how much I'm hurting? Can't anyone please help me? Please…

Authors Note: So, Edward is beginning to lose control of himself. How much longer will he be able to keep up this ruse? Is Jake really happy with Bella? Please stay tuned, lemons in the next chapter!


	11. Chapter 11

Libera Me

Chapter Eleven

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Heart Aches

EPOV

Well, what fresh hell is this? Lilly and mom were planning an engagement party. I swear to God that is all this family wants to do! They think they have to celebrate everything. Lilly had invited all our friends and family to come toast and well wish. The party was taking place at Lilly's father's building in the penthouse suite. There was a roof top pool area that would lend itself well to the occasion. As for me, I planned to just sit on the sidelines and be as inconspicuous as possible.

A couple days ago, I'd gone over to mom and dad's to meet Jasper for lunch. You'd think I'd know better than to go over there by now. Apparently not though, I guess I like having my heart ripped out on a weekly basis. At any rate, as Jasper and I were walking out the door, he got an important call from a client. I sat down at the kitchen bar to wait for him, and that was when I noticed the packet of pictures on the counter. I should have let them be, but curiosity got the best of me, and I picked up the envelope.

The packet was full of pictures that mom had taken at Jake and Bella's wedding. As I flipped through the pictures, I think it was his appearance that shocked me more than anything. He looked absolutely amazing and healthy. He had muscled back up, and that was obvious even through the black tux he wore. I swear he even looked taller! The sickly hue was gone. His bronze skin glowed, his smile was so bright, and his dark eyes sparkled. His hair was cut short, shorter than I'd ever seen it. He looked so different. I'd never seen him look like that. It was like seeing him again for the first time.

I flipped through the photos, and felt my splintered heart break a little more with each one, but at the same time my heart was re-breaking, I couldn't help but smile. He looked so happy. He had found what he was looking for. His life was right there, laid out for him, and all he had to do was live it. I could tell by the adoring way she looked at him that she would be willing to do whatever it took to make him happy.

I slipped one of the pictures out of the envelope, and into my jacket pocket. I hoped mom would not notice it was gone. It was a picture of Jake, standing all alone at the reception. He had changed out of his tux, and was wearing a black v-neck t-shirt and dark jeans. He was standing beside a totem pole, just outside the building. He was glancing up at the camera almost shyly, as if he didn't expect to have his picture taken. There was something a little off about the way he looked. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it was definitely there.

I knew I shouldn't have taken the picture, but I needed it somehow. It was just something else besides the bracelet with the wolf on it, something else to help convince me that he was real. So it was no small wonder that I dreamed about him again that night.

I couldn't sleep, which for me is nothing new. I waited until Lilly fell asleep, and then I got up and went into the living room, and sat staring at the picture of Jake. I still couldn't shake that feeling I'd had earlier that there was something wrong with him. I began to wish I'd taken all of the pictures so I could study each one, look more closely at his face. As best I could remember, in all the posed shots of him and Bella, he had looked so happy, but in this surprise shot of him alone, his eyes… I don't know, there was just something there.

I had to get my hands on the other pictures. I had to see for myself if it was just my imagination, or wishful thinking perhaps. Maybe he wasn't as happy as I'd thought. Maybe what I saw in his eyes was something else. I still wasn't sure, but the longer I looked at that picture, it became more apparent to me, that what I saw in his eyes, was the same damned thing I saw in my own every fucking time I looked into the mirror.

It was just like me. The smile was there, the mask was on, but underneath the surface lurked a sadness, something broken. I told myself it wasn't so, but I couldn't shake it. I knew his face too well. I knew those eyes, and what I saw there…No, I was sure of it!

I'd put the picture away in my top drawer and tried to sleep. At some point, I must have fallen asleep, but his face, those eyes, they haunted me. I was standing with him in the picture, and he was looking up at me.

"Edward, I can't be happy. I can never be happy. All I ever feel is emptiness and betrayal. You did this to me. You put this misery in me. You have to fix this!"

Then the dream shifted, and we were in his old room back in the basement of the house at La-Push. We were in his bed, and it was the night when I'd hurt him. I tried so hard to wake up, but that wasn't in the cards for me. My subconscious had struggled to keep that night under the surface for too long. Seeing the picture of him today had jolted it all right back to the surface, and tonight, the demons were coming for me. They were coming for a reckoning. As I watched it all unfold again through my dream eyes, the ugly truth became apparent. He had not been passed out for it as I'd remembered. He woke up at some point. He had been awake for it. Oh God, he had felt everything I'd done to him!

"Relive it! Relive it!"

"God no! I can't watch this, not through my own eyes!"

"Yes, watch it all, watch what you did."

It was the worst nightmare I'd ever had, a thousand times worse than all the one's about Alice's death.

He was crying begging me to stop, to not hurt him, but I didn't stop. I had gripped his arms tightly and held him down as he struggled on the bed beneath me.

"Fuck Jake, will you just relax? If you'll just lay still, I'll be done in a minute, and you can go back to sleep!"

"Stop, you're hurting me! Please don't. Not like this, not this way. Stop please!"

But I didn't stop, I just did it harder faster. I didn't care what I was doing to him. I only cared what I wanted. I'd driven my knee's hard between his thighs to keep his legs apart, and kept my vice like grip on his upper arms. Despite the fact that he was stronger than me, I had him pinned in such a way that he couldn't get loose. He was sweating and fighting like a mad thing, but it was to no avail. The louder he screamed, the more brutal I became, as if his soul's agony was fanning my flames.

I finally got tired of listening to him crying out, and I'd pushed his face down into the pillow hard enough to cut off his air. He had passed out from that, but wasn't down really deep. But it had been enough for me to have time to finish destroying him. I watched myself as I went through the motions of stroking his sweaty hair back out of his face, noticing the blood dripping from his busted lip, asking him if he was all right. What a farce it had all been. I'd kept it hidden from myself, unable to believe that I was capable of something that monstrous, but I was. The last thing I remembered about that dreadful dream was turning to look out his window as I stood over him. Hovering just outside the window was Alice's pale face, looking in at me, judging me.

"You broke me Edward. You broke him too."

I'd jerked awake screaming, just like always. I woke Lilly as usual, and as usual, I told her that I'd been dreaming of when Alice died. I always told her that lie when I woke up screaming. She believed me of course. Why wouldn't she? I let her hold me, I let her comfort me as I sat there in our bed crying.

I wasn't crying for Alice, she was already gone. My tears could do nothing to help her. I was crying for Jake, and I was crying for me.

Authors Note: Ok, so here it is. The ugly truth comes out. Looks like both Ed and Jake were suppressing things about that night. At some point, both boys will have to deal with this, but at least Ed is not suppressing it anymore. So, spoilers for the next chapter? Well, Ed makes a confession to Jasper, and it will end on a cliff hanger! That's all for now!


	12. Chapter 12

Libera Me

Chapter Twelve

The Party From Hell

EPOV

Lilly and I arrived at the engagement party right on schedule, and just as I'd planned, I found a way to extricate myself politely, and slink off into a corner. I was done with being fake and smiling for others benefit. I took a glass of champagne, and stepped outside onto the roof. There were a few guests milling around up there, but it was a lot less crowded than below.

Lilly was being the perfect hostess, but she knew when I wanted to be alone, and was graciously entertaining everyone so I could have some time to myself. I walked over to the rooftop railing, and stared off into the Seattle skyline, so full of lights, and life and sound.

How can someone can be so lonely in the middle of a crowd? I'd wanted to be alone, but I suddenly felt so empty and cold. My thoughts began to drift, back to La-Push, that house, his big brown eyes, soft skin stretched over hard muscle, that full sensual mouth, the way he looked, the way he smelled, the sound of his voice. God, what I wouldn't give just to hear it again, even if he was screaming at me.

I wanted him to beat the hell out of me. I would love it if he were here, doing it right now. I wanted him to spit on me, stomp me into the ground and tell me what a worthless piece of shit I was. I wanted it all to end, and I wanted him to be the one to end it. I wanted to die, and I wanted to die by his hands. Then perhaps he could go on with his life and not have that haunted look anymore. I contemplated just climbing up and jumping off the top of the building. But as usual, I was interrupted.

"Edward, what are you doing up here all alone? The party's downstairs."

Jasper, damn it! He was always in the way!

"Yeah I know." I breathed out, and took a sip of champagne. "I just needed some air."

"You're not really into this are you?" He asked, propping his arms against the railing and looking out.

I didn't answer. I tapped a cigarette out, flipped open my lucky strike, and lit it. I took a long slow drag and blew the smoke out, thoughtfully watching it waft up and out into the night. I silently wished I could just float away with it.

"Christ bro, do you even love her?" He asked.

"Of course I love her!" I snapped back.

"But are you in love with her?" He persisted.

I could feel my hands begin to shake and I grasped the railing to steady them. Oh how I wished I had something strong in my system. It would take a hell of a lot of champagne to get me plastered. I wasn't sure I had it in me to make a scene at my own engagement party, but I knew I was perilously close to losing it.

"I'm in love with Jacob!" I blurted out, shocking myself with my own admission. "I always will be. Nothing will ever stop it, and nothing will ever change it."

I gripped the rail so hard my knuckles turned white. I could feel myself breaking out in a sweat, and the cold breeze blowing up here did nothing to change that. It was March, and there was supposed to be a snow storm tonight. I could feel that change coming in the weather. I could feel a change coming in me. I wasn't going to be able to do this thing. I couldn't go through with it. I was going to disappoint Lilly again. I waited for a chastising to come from Jasper, but for a moment he was silent and thoughtful.

"Ed, you told me nothing happened between you two. You said he was straight." Jasper stated.

"He is." I replied. "I didn't say he felt the same way."

"Is that what happened?" Jasper asked. "Did you tell him how you felt, and then he left? Is that what made you lose it so bad? Is that what went down between you two?"

"I don't want to talk about it right now." I said and turned to walk away.

I walked right into Lilly. I nearly died on the spot! I couldn't read anything in her face, so I wasn't sure how much of our conversation she'd heard.

"There you are! Come on, we're neglecting our guests." She said smiling as she took my hand. I felt a kind of violent relief wash over me as we descended the stairs together hand in hand with Jasper right behind us.

I managed to make it through the rest of the party, but my heart wasn't in it. I had to find a way to break it to her. As we drove home latter that night, she was quiet. I couldn't tell for sure, but I wondered if maybe she'd heard more than she'd let on earlier.

As soon as we walked through the door of our apartment, she'd told me that she wanted to go to bed. She had said she was too tired to stay up any longer, and I'd not tried to stop her. I wasn't one to face confrontation, and it just gave me the excuse to put off the inevitable a little longer.

I sat up alone for a while, staring at the television. I couldn't even begin to tell you what was on it. I was far away, somewhere else. Ever since I'd seen that picture of Jake with the haunted look in his eyes, I'd been trying to recall one night when Jake and I had been sitting on my bed talking. Unfortunately, we were both living in a haze at the time, and my memory was pretty fuzzy. I couldn't remember if it was something that had really happened, or just some dream I'd had. There had been so many of those it was hard to tell sometimes.

As I concentrated on his face in the picture, I held the bracelet in my hand and tried as hard as I could to remember. Little by little, I began to piece together that conversation. We'd been sitting on my bed passing a joint back and forth. He has seemed a little nervous at the time, and had kept shifting his eyes back and forth from the porno on the television to me. It seemed like he had wanted to tell me something. Finally I'd asked him if the pot was making him paranoid. He has just laughed nervously, and then asked me a question that had confused me at the time.

"Why am I here with you?" I mean, why do you want me here?" He had asked as he looked right at me with large vivid eyes.

"I like you Jake." I'd replied. "You're cool to hang with. I trust you. Besides, you're the only one who gets me."

"Yeah, but how do you really feel about me? I mean, if we weren't mutually co-dependent on each other, would you still want me around? Would you still want to hang out with me?"

"Sure I would." I'd answered.

He'd gone silent, and stared at the tv. I'd thought maybe he would say more, but he didn't. He just lay there. He didn't even want to help me finish the joint. At the time, I'd not thought much of it. I'd picked up on the fact that he was kind of insecure. I figured he was just having a moment. I'd fallen asleep soon after that, and we had never talked like that again. That little conversation came back to me from time to time, like a pestery song you can't get out of your head. Had he been trying to tell me something? Had I missed the intent completely?

I showered, and changed into my pajama pants. I lay down beside Lilly and reached for her. I wanted some comfort, and if I couldn't get it from the one I wanted it from, I would take if from the one I had. She was sleeping, but when I touched her, she rolled away from me. I took that as a sign that she didn't want to be bothered, and tried to sleep. I was so keyed up that I wasn't sure if sleep would come, but as I lay there staring at the dark ceiling, I slowly drifted off into another one of my frequent dreams.

I was back at my house in La-Push. I was standing in the rain shower. Warm water splashed over me and ran down in steaming streams over my skin. I was safe, secure. I felt hands on my shoulders, turning me around.

Jake! I couldn't breathe. The sight of him standing there so close to me, naked with all the water running over him was so mesmerizing, it literally took my breath away. He smiled at me and slowly stroked his fingers down the side of my face.

"You came back to me." He whispered.

He leaned into me, and our bodies melted together, wet skin against wet skin. We clasped hands, and he brushed his soft lips lightly over mine. I drew in a sharp breath and clenched his hands tighter. He moved up to whisper in my ear.

"I knew you'd come back."

A phone began to ring and I pulled away to look in his eyes.

"Your phone is ringing." I said

"Yeah, it's probably Bella calling to look for me. Just let it ring." He replied.

He kissed me again, more insistently, more firmly. His hands tangled in my hair as he pulled me closer. The phone began to ring again.

"You came when I needed you." He whispered into my ear.

"Edward, wake up! Your phone is ringing!" The voice was Lilly's. She was shaking my shoulder, trying to wake me up. The dream was over. Back to reality.

I sat up numbly and glanced at the alarm clock. Now just who in the hell would be calling me this late at night? It was midnight. Whatever it is, it won't be good. Calls this late at night never are. I reached for my droid, and glanced at the screen.

My heart stopped beating, my breath froze, I broke out into a cold sweat, and leap to my feet, dizzy in the darkness.

"My God Ed, who is it?" Lilly cried, noticing my reaction.

"_You came back. You came when I needed you"_

It was Jake's number on the screen. Jake was calling me. I lifted the phone and pressed answer.

"Hello." I stammered out.

"Edward, is that you?" His voiced was shaking. "It's me, Jake."

Authors Note: Ok, here we go! So what is this all about? What reason could Jake have for calling Edward. The last communication they had was a letter from Jake telling Edward to "Fuck the hell off!" Gonna get heated up now!

P.S.: Rat, the next chapter is for you!


	13. Chapter 13

Libera Me

Chapter Thirteen

Into the Darkness

EPOV

So there I was, out on the road in the darkness, driving as fast as the blowing wind and blinding snow would let me. Just as the weatherman had predicted, we were having a really bad winter storm, and I was right in the middle of it. The highways were actually closed, but nothing short of God himself, could have kept me off the roads that night.

After I got the call from Jake, Lilly had gotten up and fixed me a thermos of hot coffee to take with me, and laid out my coat, hat, gloves, and snow boots. I'd been on my phone waking up Jasper. I was trying to talk him into letting me borrow his Hummer to make the trip. I felt it would be better in snow than my Astin Martin. Jasper was more than willing to let me borrow it, but the trouble was, he wanted to come with me. I was going to have to convince him otherwise.

I hung up with Jasper feeling exasperated. Lilly sat beside me on the bed as I got dressed. She was quiet as she listened to me tell her how concerned I was about my "old friend", and how I had to go to him right away because he didn't sound right. I knew she could hear the shaking in my voice, and see the tremors in my hands. I could not remember a single time in my life before, when I'd been more emotionally keyed up.

"Be careful Ed." Lilly said.

"I always am." I replied distractedly.

"I won't be here when you get back. I'm going back to London. I won't be coming back here. Anyway I miss London, and I know your heart is with him, not me."

"What?" I gasped in shock as I turned to look at her.

"You don't love me Ed. You love that Quileute boy, the one you're running back to in the middle of a dangerous storm. I see you holding that bracelet, looking at his picture. You do it every night after you think I'm asleep. You scream his name at night when you dream. Jacob, my Jacob! I hear it all the time. And tonight, I heard it straight from your own mouth when you were talking to Jasper."

"Oh God, you heard that?" I sighed.

"Yes, I heard it, but like I said, I already knew. I've known for some time now. I guess I just always hoped it would get out of your system. But now I know it never will."

"Lilly, he doesn't feel that way about me." I replied.

"Then why did he call you in the middle of the night? Why not someone else? Surely he has other friends who live closer? Why ask you to come all that way in this kind of storm?"

"I don't know Lilly, I honestly don't. But he asked me to come to him, and I have to go. He sounds bad. I don't know, like me might maybe hurt himself. I have to go and make sure he's ok."

"I know, go to him and be careful. But just the same, I'm releasing you." She said as she slipped the four-thousand dollar engagement ring off her finger and laid it on the bedside table. She leaned up and kissed me on the cheek.

"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Besides, I miss London." She walked into the bathroom and closed the door. It would be the last time I'd ever see her.

I'd driven immediately to Jasper's as best I could on the slippery streets. He was waiting for me, all dressed for the weather. I knew I'd have a fight on my hands, but not even the devil himself could make me take Jasper with me. I was going on this trip alone.

"Ed, this is a really bad idea and you know it! Why not wait until morning when the roads are clear and we can see better? You know going back there to him is the worst thing you could do. You'll just end up staying, and getting hooked again. Whatever is wrong, it can wait till morning, and if you are bound and determined to go, then I'm going with you."

"The cold hell you are! I shouted. "Jasper, I love you, and of all the people in this family, you are the only one I give a rat's ass about, but you are not going to stop me, and you are not going with me! If you insist on being an ass, then I'll just try to get there in my car." I turned to go, and he reached out to grab my shoulder.

"Ok, fine. Here, take the keys. Drive like you have some sense, and for God's sake, call me as soon as you get there." He replied as he handed over the keys to the Hummer.

Now, an hour later, I was driving through the swirling snow and replaying the phone call in my head.

"Jake, what's wrong? Where are you?" I'd stammered into the phone.

"I'm at your house." He'd answered in a broken voice.

"How'd you get in?" I'd asked.

"When you grow up poor on the rez, you learn a thing or two about breaking and entering, besides, I still have my key."

"Why are you there?" I asked him.

"I don't know, I just… I just wanted to be alone. I don't know, I just missed it somehow. I don't know…. Ed, can you come, I need…." He trailed off.

"You want me to come to La-Push?" I'd asked breathlessly.

"Please, I need to see you. Can you come? I know it's late, and the storm and all…"

"I'm on my way." I quickly replied.

"Please hurry." Then silence, nothing.

I'd tried to call him back several times, but it always went straight to voice mail. Now here I was, pushing the limit in my brother's Hummer in this storm and on the slick highway. It normally took about two hours to get from Tacoma to La-Push, but there way usually a lot of traffic to contend with. Tonight, I was the only idiot out on the roads. But I made good time despite the hazardous conditions.

I got to La-Push at about one-forty-five am, and pulled into my garage at around two am. I paused to call Jasper an let him know I arrived safely, but I cut him off when he tried to give me a speech about using my head.

I knew someone was at the house. There was a big black Dodge Ram pick-up parked in the drive in front of the house. I suspected it was Jakes. I'd heard Jasper say something about Bella helping Jake get a loan for a new truck. It looked like something he would drive.

I was so nervous as I tried to unlock the door to the lower level of the house, that I dropped the keys twice. I finally got the door open, and stepped into the warm, dark interior. I could see a light shining from under the closed door of Jake's old room. I stood in the quiet darkness, and steadied myself. I had no idea what awaited me on the other side of that door. It could be an ambush. Jake might have decided that after all this time I needed to die. He would be right. I made up my mind that whatever waited for me, I would go and face it. At least I would get to see him again, no matter what the outcome. I took a deep breath, crossed the floor, and opened the door.

Jake was sitting on the side of the bed with his hands clasped together, resting on his knees. He looked up when I entered the room. His eyes were red and puffy, and it was obvious that he'd been crying. He didn't look high or drunk, and I couldn't smell any alcohol, so I took that as a good sign.

I'd taken off my coat, hat, gloves and boots and left them in the entryway. Despite that, I still felt a little too warm. I knew it was just nerves. I couldn't help it. Just being this close to him after all this time was making me pump adrenaline.

I walked slowly over to the bed, and sat down beside him. I waited for him to speak, but he remained silent, looking down at his hands. He was trembling all over, but didn't otherwise move. I noticed the light glinting off the gold band on the fourth finger of his left hand.

"Does Bella know you're here?" I asked.

He shook his head no.

"Are you guys having trouble?" I asked.

Again, he shook his head no, but didn't say anything else.

"Jake, what's wrong?" I asked. "Is it my fault? Is it what I did to you? Are you upset because of me?"

He turned slowly to look at me, his beautiful face only inches from mine, his big brown eyes swimming with tears.

"You never asked me how I felt. You never asked me anything. You never told me you were sorry. You never said anything. I thought you might at least try to come after me and stop me from leaving, but you didn't. You just went away."

"But you said in your letter, that you didn't ever want to see me again." I replied.

"No I didn't!" He shouted. "I never said I didn't want to see you again."

"But you left me!" I cried, bewildered at his strange logic. "You told me to fuck off. Jake you were pretty clear in your letter. Have you forgotten what it said? You went to get clean. What was I supposed to do? I thought you hated me for what I did."

"I did hate you, but not for the reasons you think." He replied as he stood up and walked over to the window. He pushed the curtains aside, and looked out into the storm.

"You never asked me why I wanted to stay with you." He said. "I tried to ask you why you wanted me here, but you never asked me why I wanted to be here."

"I always just thought it was because of the drugs, and the free place to stay. I couldn't imagine why else you would have wanted to stay with me." I replied.

"Yeah, think about it you dumb ass white boy!" He replied. "Why the hell would a straight Quileute boy be wanting to hang out with a rich, gay, white drug addict? It doesn't make sense does it? Did you ever wonder why Paul hated you so much? Why he wanted to beat you up at the store that night?"

I stared at him, unsure what to say. I'd always just thought Paul hated me because he thought I was a bad influence on Jake.

"I was in the car with him and Jared that night, when we pulled up to the store." Jake continued. "Anyway, I recognized you from the dedication ceremony. I started to get out to say hi to you, and Paul demanded to know how I knew you. I made the mistake of telling him about how we met, and the money you gave me. At any rate, he misunderstood. He thought that you and I were more than friends." Jake turned to look at me.

"Now why in the hell do you think he would have thought something like that Edward?" Jake asked.

"I…l don't know." I stammered, utterly confused by this point.

"He thought that, because that was how I got my drugs from him!" Jake shouted.

I thought I would literally fall off the bed at this point, and I had to grab onto the side of the mattress to keep from toppling off onto the floor.

"But I thought Paul was your cousin?" I asked.

"No, Paul's not my cousin. Jared is, and Jared didn't know anything about it. That was just between me and Paul."

I felt like someone had pulled corks out of my ankles, and all the blood was draining out of my body. I steadied myself, and asked him another question.

"But you told me you paid for your drugs by working on their cars for free." I said.

"Yes, that was also true." He said, looking down at the floor. "I was desperate, and when Paul made the offer, I took it. You've been there Edward. You know what that misery feels like. You know what it feels like to be in a position where you would do anything to get a fix. Anyway, he kept me hooked so he could get what he wanted from me. But he never went all the way, he just wanted blow jobs. That was bad enough. I hated it, but I was an addict. That day at the preserve when I met you, and you gave me the money, it was a way out for me. I was supposed to meet Paul that night, but after you gave me the money, I didn't have to."

"Paul was getting rougher with me. He liked to make it hard on me. He wanted to go all the way, but I never let him. He had told me that if I wanted anything that night, I would have to let him fuck me. You saved me from that. So when he saw how happy I was to see you at the store, he put two and two together, and came up with his own conclusion. Guess it really wasn't that far off after all was it?" He asked.

I felt absolutely horrible. I wanted to literally sink into the mattress and disappear.

"All you wanted was to get away from someone who was hurting you, and then I turned around and did the same damn thing to you. Why don't you just beat me to death and get it over with. Maybe you'd be ok then." I answered.

He walked over to me, and stood looking down at me. Then he reached over and cupped my chin in his hand, forcing me to look up at him. Here it comes, I thought. He's going to clock me for sure.

"You still don't get it do you?" He asked. "I'm just like you Edward. You never asked me if I was, you just assumed I wasn't. I didn't like what Paul did to me, because he did it for the wrong reasons. I went with you because I thought… because I thought you liked me, since you were gay and all."

"But that first night, when I brought you up here, and you asked me why I wanted you here…do you remember when I touched you knee? You seemed like you were scared or something." I said.

"I came up here with you that night, because I thought you liked me. When you put your hand on my knee and touched me, I thought you were making a pass. I wasn't scared, I was nervous. I was afraid I would fuck everything up. I wanted you to like me. I was intimidated by you, being a rich white boy and all. No one like that had ever given me a second glance. You made me feel special. Edward, do you remember on that day when we first met, and you shook my hand? I felt something then, I don't know, like the ground shook or something."

"I felt that too!" I breathed.

"You did?" He asked with a shocked expression on his pretty face. His eyes grew wide and he began to breathe faster.

I stood up, face to face with him. Adrenaline was coursing through my body and all my nerves were tingling. I wasn't sure this was real, it could be just a cruel dream, but I wasn't taking any chances. I took his face in my hands and used my thumbs to wipe the tears away.

"Jacob Black, I've been in love with you since the first day I saw you. I dream about you every night. I burn for you. I scream your name. You make it all go away. You are the only one who understood, the only one who saw how I was. I could never explain it to anyone. You are the only one, the only one I could tell this to." I declared.

"And now you tell me!" He said in his old snarky voice as he flashed that beautiful smile at me. God how long I'd been waiting to see it!

I slid my hands down to his narrow hips and pulled as much of him against me as I could.

"You said I make it all go away for you? Make it all go away for me to. All of it, Bella, your fiancé, our parents, our past, our lives, make it all go away. Take the bad memories away and give me something good." He begged.

He slipped his wedding ring off and laid it down on the bedside table. "I don't want to have sex. I don't want to fuck. I want you to make love to me. Do you… I mean do you want to? Do you want me?" He asked hesitantly.

I wanted to throw him down on the bed and ravage him! God how could he ask me that? I wanted him so bad I was shaking. Passion was threatening to overcome me, but I'd given in to that once before, and he'd gotten hurt. I looked deep into his eyes, God those eyes! I knew what he needed now wasn't my lust, but something sweeter. He wanted love. I'd give it.

I brushed his lips softly with mine, and gently kissed the tears off his face. I stroked my fingers through his short spikey black hair. God he really is so young! Twenty years old, it had been almost two years since we'd been together in this house. God, he's so beautiful, so perfect, and finally mine. I forgot about Bella and Lilly, I forgot about time, honor, what was right. He took it all away. I was only conscious of him. He was all over me, everywhere.

He began to pull at my clothes, so I broke away from him, and took them off. He did the same. I sucked in a breath when I saw him standing naked in front of me. The last time I'd seen him like that, he'd been a sickly drug addict, and had lost so much muscle. I could clearly remember thinking that he was beautiful then. But not even my sweetest dreams of him could do justice to the way he looked now. I just shook my head, and let out a breath.

"What is it?" Jacob asked, lowering his head. He'd mistaken my hesitation. "Don't I look good to you?" He asked fearfully.

"Jacob, you are without a doubt, the most utterly beautiful thing I've ever seen in all my life." I replied. "Let's lie down." I whispered.

He did as I asked, pulling back the comforter on his bed and climbing in. I slid in beside him, and took his face in my hands. I kissed him slowly, fully, loving the way his strong mouth moved, and the feel of his tongue as it slid over mine. There was no competition here. No one had to surrender. We were both equals.

I traced my fingertips up and down his back, enjoying the feel of his soft skin. Finally I broke the kiss, and drew my mouth along his jaw line and down his neck. I breathed in the intoxicating scent of his warm skin, as my teeth nipped playfully at the sensitive spot over his collar bone.

He drew in a ragged breath and moaned softly against my ear. That sound drove me absolutely wild with desire, but I fought to control it. I had to do this right. There would never be another chance to make it better. This was all or nothing. I wanted to heal him, not maul him. He wanted me, and he wanted me the right way. That was all I needed to know.

His strong arms were around me. I could feel his hands gliding over me, touching me. His lips brushed against my shoulder as I moved down over him, kissing his sculpted chest. I scrapped my teeth lightly over his nipples, and then slid my tongue around the nipple ring, tugging slightly on it with my teeth. I'd dreamed of doing that, but the real thing was oh so much better!

My hands slipped down to his waist, as I moved my mouth lower down over his six pack abs, and lower still. He was breathing hard, and his hands were tangled in my hair. Each ragged breath he drew, sent a wave of rolling heat all over me.

I love to touch, see, taste, and of course feel the person I'm with, but all my life, I've known how much I got off on the sounds my lovers made. I loved hearing the sound of his pleasure, and knowing I was the one causing it. I paused to look up at him. His head was back. His eyes were closed tightly, and his mouth was slightly open. His handsome face was flushed, and his golden brown skin glowed with a slight sheen of sweat.

He looked so perfect, just like a fallen angel. I was overcome by the simple fact that he was here with me. Yesterday I wouldn't have thought it possible, that he was mine, that he wanted me.

"Jacob, are you ok?" I asked.

"Yes." He whispered. "I'm fucking more than ok!"

I smiled, and brushed my fingers up and down along his inner thighs. In my dreams, I'd done this a thousand times. I knew how he tasted, but I wanted to see if reality was as good as the dream. I slipped my hand around to the base of his hard cock and ghosted my warm breath over it. I used my thumb to make firm little circles over the sensitive head, using the leaking pre-cum as lubrication.

His breathing hitched up again, and he gripped the sides of my head. He began to push his hips up involuntarily against me. It was obvious to me that he wanted to be in my mouth. In the first dream that I'd ever had about him, I'd tormented him and made him beg me for this. But now, I didn't want any power or control. I just wanted to love him. I gave him what he needed.

I slid my lips down over his big hard cock, taking him all the way into my mouth. I'd had plenty of practice deep throating, and I knew what I was doing, but God he was so big! Even with all my experience, it almost gagged me. I wanted to make it good, so I tightened my lips, and applied as much suction as I could, flicking my tongue against the shaft as I moved my mouth up and down.

"Fuck!" He gasped. "Oh God, that feels so good!"

He was pushing against my mouth a little too hard, and I had to hold him down with my other arm. I didn't want him to get off too quickly. I had other things in mind that we could do, and I wanted to prolong the pleasure as much as possible, so I stopped and sat up.

"Hey, what gives?" He cried out.

"Come here." I said, reaching for him.

I pulled him against me, kissing him very softly, and letting him taste himself in my mouth as I touched him lightly with my fingertips.

"I love you." I said as I looked deep into his eyes. "Now, always."

"I love you too, now, always. Please make love to me." He stated. It was not really a request. It was more of a demand. But it was a demand I would be delighted to meet.

I turned him around, and positioned him with his hands resting on the headboard. I moved into position behind him, and he leaned back putting his head against my shoulder. I pressed my chest against his back, and moved so that he was more or less sitting in my lap. Now it was my turn to breathe hard. I was really working at control now, because I had to do this right.

"Jake, do you have anything?" I asked.

"Top drawer." He replied.

I reached over and pulled open the bedside table drawer. I found a box of condoms and a bottle of lube.

"Wow, you came prepared!" I laughed.

"Sorry to disappoint you, but that stuff was here from when I lived here before." He snickered.

"Oh, do you think they are still good?" I asked

He began to laugh hysterically. "God does it matter? I mean it's not like you can knock me up or anything!"

I had to join his laughter at that point. He was right of course. What did it matter? But with our bad luck, who knows? I slipped on a condom, and poured some of the lube into the palm of my hand. I lubed up a couple of fingers and paused for a minute.

"Jake, I don't want to hurt you like last time." I warned.

"Last time I wasn't ready. This time I am. I'm not afraid." He replied.

I pushed two fingers very carefully into him, and was surprised when he seemed to like it. I wondered if Paul had ever done this to him. I knew Jake had said they had never gone all the way, but he'd never said exactly how far they had gone. Well, never mind all that. Wonder about that latter. I'd found his prostate, and he jumped, then moaned with pleasure. I rubbed it gently for a couple minutes until he was practically wreathing against me. I could tell he was just past the point of rational thought and that was exactly where I wanted him.

"Are you ready?" I asked. He nodded yes.

I took my fingers out of him, and moved carefully into position. I pushed against him so agonizingly slowly, that I thought I would die from desire, but I wanted to be careful. I listened to his breathing, and leaned slightly to the side so I could watch his face for any sign of pain. His eyes were closed tightly, and he was biting his lower lip.

"Are you ok?" I asked. He nodded yes.

I wrapped my hand around his cock, and began to stroke it to take his mind off the pain.

"Breathe Jake, relax." I told him.

I waited until I felt him relax, then began to move again. As soon as I slipped past the tight ring of muscle, I felt him tense up and gasp in pain. He threw his head back against my shoulder again.

"Easy Jake, just relax and breathe through it. You can do this, and let me tell you why. Because I've done it." I whispered against his ear as I stroked him firmly.

I waited again for him to relax, then started my rhythm once more, sheathing myself inside him, and bringing our bodies completely together. I matched the rhythm of my hips to my hand stroking his cock. He clutched the headboard of the bed so hard, that the board splintered and broke! God, does he have any idea how strong he is?

"Easy baby! You are destroying the furniture!" I laughed.

"I don't give a shit!" He gasped. "Don't stop!"

"Does it feel good?" I asked leaning around to kiss him on the cheek.

"Fuck yes it does!" He shouted.

"I love you Jacob, always. Do you forgive me for hurting you?" I asked.

"Yes." He breathed.

"Do you love me?" I asked.

"Yes I love you." He said breathlessly.

I moved a little more quickly now as my hold on control began to slip. I was close, and I could tell that he was close as well. There were no words to describe what it felt like as we reached out climax together. I held him tightly as the waves of pleasure rocked us both. I could feel his muscles constricting around me. I was conscious of my own doing the same.

I wanted nothing more than that moment, than what I had. This was what I'd been searching for all my life. This was where I was supposed to be. There was nothing else but this moment, nothing else but him. I felt so alive. I'd gotten it wrong so many times before. But now this was it. This was right. There would never be anyone else but him. I could die tomorrow and be a happy man.

Authors Note: Bada Bang! So what did you guys think? It was long enough in getting to this point huh? Don't quit yet though. More angst to come! How in the hell are the boys going to work this out?


	14. Chapter 14

Libera Me

Chapter Fourteen

Suspicions Are Brewing

BPOV

Something was clearly up. I could see it in the way he acted, the way he looked, hell, even in the way we touched! It had always been so easy for us, effortless, just like breathing. Jake was exactly right for me. Well at least he used to be, but things had changed. He'd changed. I knew who was to blame.

Ever since Edward Cullen had come back to town last month, things had been different. Jake was distant, careful, preoccupied. But it was more than that. On that first night when I'd come home from work at seven am, and discovered that the bed had not been slept in. I knew something was up. Jake is not a neat freak like me. He would not have taken the time to make our bed up before leaving the house. Anyway, where the hell would he be going this early on a Sunday? I found his supper, a covered plate of his favorite lasagna, untouched in the frig.

I began to get worried. Where could he be? He didn't answer his phone when I called him. I even lowered myself enough to call that dope dealing piece of shit cousin of his, but of course Jared hadn't seen him. He did promise to call me if Jake turned up. Yeah right!

Great! I had just worked twelve grueling hours on a critical care unit to come home to this! My husband is missing, no note, not answering his phone. What the hell? By nine am, I was passed the point of irritated, and was full on pissed. I'd called his phone twenty times.

Around eleven am, I was passed pissed, and really getting scared. This wasn't like Jake. He wouldn't just leave with no explanation. I wondered if he had started using again, and was somewhere in trouble. I drove around trying to find his truck. But after driving all over Forks and La-Push, I still could find no sign of him. I went over to Paul and Jared's just to make sure he wasn't really there, but no luck.

Finally I gave up and went over to dad's. Of course he hadn't heard from Jake either. So I was sitting at dad's kitchen table sipping a cup of coffee when my phone rang. It was Disturbed "Down with the Sickness", Jakes ringtone. I yanked up my phone.

"Jake, where the hell are you? Are you ok?" I practically screamed into the phone.

"Jeez Bella! Don't have a cow! I'm fine. Didn't you get my note?" He asked.

"What note?" I yelled.

"The note I stuck in the screen door." He replied.

"No, I didn't get any note. There wasn't anything in the screen door."

"Oh, it must have blown away in the storm. Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you like that." He sighed.

"Where are you Jake?" I asked.

"I'm home, at our house. Where are you?"

"I'm at dad's house." I answered.

"Well are you coming home?" He asked me.

"Yes, why wouldn't I come home?" I asked angrily.

"Well, I thought you were maybe too mad at me or something."

So when I got home, the story he told me was that Edward Cullen had come back to town and called asking to see him. He said he had gone up to Edward's house, and they had talked and caught up on old times. I sort of believed him, until later that day. I had only gotten a couple of hours of sleep, when my alarm woke me up at five pm. I needed to get ready for work. I had to be there at seven pm.

I heard the shower running, and decided that I had just enough time to sneak in a quickie with my hottie hubby before work. I crept into the bathroom and snuck into the shower. I yanked open to curtain, meaning to surprise Jake, and he was surprised, but not as much as I was.

He was covered from his shoulders to his knees, in multiple, large, dark bruises. Some of the one's on his arms looked like hand prints. I stood there looking at him with my mouth hanging open for a second.

"Jake, what happened to you? Did you get in a fight or something?" I asked.

"No, I… that is we… I mean me and Edward, we sorta wrestled with each other last night. Believe me, he looks just as bad as I do."

He was lying to me. I could tell by the way he shifted his eyes and stammered to come up with something to say. He always acted like that when he wasn't telling the truth. He smiled at me and said he was ok, but I could see right through the deception he was trying to project. He couldn't lie to me.

Another story, another lie, they wouldn't be the last ones' he'd try to push past me. I began to wonder if they'd been the first or not. That had been a month ago, and I was sure that he spent the night with Edward every time I worked night shift. I began to suspect that they were using together, and the bruises were from him getting wasted and falling down or something. But he almost never let me catch him naked anymore. It was obvious he was hiding something.

Sometimes he admitted that he had been to Edwards, sometimes he didn't. I knew Edward's history, and that he had been a serious junkie. I had heard Jared talk about how they had almost burned each other out when they lived together before. Well, I wasn't gonna let that happen again. Jacob is mine! No one else is going to ruin our lives, what we have together. He had worked so hard to get clean. I wouldn't let Edward Rich White Boy Cullen ruin my perfect Quileute boy.

I had a plan, a well thought out plan. I knew it would work. The next time I was supposed to work nights, I would get someone else to cover for me. I'd dress for work, and leave at my usual time, and then I'd drive clandestinely over to Edwards house. We'll just see what's been going on. I wasn't afraid of confrontation, and nobody messes with my happiness. Nobody!

Authors Note: Yikes! She's a bitch on a mission! Trouble ahead for Jake and Edward for sure. Stay tuned for the next chapter. It will be JPOV.

P.S. Sorry Rat, I know you really hate Bella!


	15. Chapter 15

Libera Me

Chapter Fifteen

Straight Stories

JPOV

This was going to get complicated. I'd know it would, but there was nothing I could do. I was tired of being unhappy. I called Ed that night just to get some closure. I'd just planned to talk things out with him. I never planned to jump into the sack with him. I always manage to fuck everything up. But now that I knew he really did care about me, there was no way I could ever go back to the way things were.

Bella suspected something. She never asked me straight questions, always open ended ones. I felt like she was leading me to trap myself, to accidently admit to something. She probably thinks I'm using again. If only it was that easy.

God I'm so confused! When I'm with Ed, he is my whole world, my happiness. He makes all the worries go away. But when I come home to Bella, she's like my own personal little sun. She rescued me from complete despair and stitched me back up. She loves me so much. At first, right after Ed came back, I tried to convince myself that I didn't love Bella anymore, that it had just been good sex and a means to an end. I know now that it's always been much more than that.

She's my wife, my lover, my friend, and I've been lying to her. I know it hurts her. She's not stupid. She thinks I'm hiding things, I know she does. I know this has to stop, but I can no more live without him than stop breathing. I need them both, I can't choose, but I know I can't live without them. I'm so scared right now. I can see myself losing both of them. I would blow my head off if that happened. I swear to God I would.

Bella had looked so beautiful tonight when I got home. I'd come home from work as usual, dirty and exhausted and smelling like gasoline and oil. She had met me at the door with a cold beer and a smile, and told me to go get cleaned up, that supper would be ready when I got done. I'd showered the grime away, put on a t-shirt and cut off sweats, and gone into the kitchen.

She was putting steaks and baked potatoes on the table. She looked up at me and smiled. I stood contemplating her for a moment, thinking how in the hell will I ever admit all this to her, knowing it would break her fragile little heart. I knew it was for the best, but I didn't think I could do it. I began to really look at her, noticing the way the light shimmered in her hair, and glittered in her big brown eyes, those pretty eyes that seemed almost too large in her pale face, with those pretty full lips smiling at me.

Then she had asked me a simple question. "What are you looking at baby, see something you like?"

All she got out of me in answer, was something like an animal growl. I'd sprinted across the kitchen, grabbed her, swung her up into my arms, and ran to the bedroom.

"Jake, supper, what are you doing?" She'd gasped at me.

I literally threw her down on the bed, yanked her clothes off, and ripped her shirt at the seams. I don't know what came over me. I just wanted her so much. I wanted to show her that I loved her. I'd never gotten out of my clothes so fast in my life. I was crushing her against the bed, my mouth on hers, my hands all over her body. Mine, she's mine all mine.

I gripped her wrists and held them down on either side of her head as I kissed her. She was squirming around under me and struggling. I thought I was turning her on, but when I broke the kiss to come up for air, I noticed that her lips were blue, and she was gasping for air.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry!" I cried as I shifted my weight off her one hundred and five pound frame. She was such a little thing, and I'm really a pretty rough boy.

"Are you ok honey?" I asked.

"Yeah, sorry." She'd replied.

"Are you apologizing for not breathing?" I'd asked in surprise.

"Yeah, you were just trying to love me, and I ruined it." She said.

"You didn't ruin anything babe." I replied.

I lay down beside her and pulled her into my arms. I waited for her to get her air back, as I began to stroke my fingers lightly over her skin.

"You know baby, that was kinda hot right there!" she said

I felt my temp go up a couple degrees, and my cock twitched as I turned to look at her in surprise.

"What was kinda hot Bells?" I asked.

"You holding me down, and me choking for air. It was pretty erotic."

I must have been bugging my eyes out at her, cause she laughed at me.

"Don't pop your eyes out baby!" She laughed.

"You mean you like it rough?" I asked.

"Sure, why not? I mean it won't kill me right? And if it does, well, I guess I won't care then will I?"

I could tell she was getting revved back up again and quick. I didn't want to waste it, so I rolled her off me, pushed her legs apart, gave her a quick grin, and then went down on her. I thought she would pull my hair out before it was over. I knew I was good at eating pussy and all, but it was obviously getting to her more than usual. Oh, if only she knew what else I'd been doing with my mouth.

I had a sudden flash of the three of us, me, her, and Ed in bed together. I almost came all over myself. That little visual turned me on so much that I had her coming in no time flat, and while she was still rolling with it, I shoved my big hard cock straight into her tight little pussy.

She screamed my name in a good way, and clawed at my back. I grabbed her wrists and held them down again as I shoved myself hard into her.

"You like that baby? You like my big hard cock?"

"Oh yes Jake. Please give it to me!" She cried in response.

"You got it baby!"

I squeezed her wrists a little tighter and moved a little faster. I was close, but I didn't want to come just yet. I had something else in mind, and I pulled out of her and knelt on the bed between her knees.

"Come here baby and get on your knees." I ordered her as I helped her turn around and get into doggy style. I placed her hands on the head board of the bed, just the way Edward had put me, and pulled her back onto my hard cock.

I forced myself to thrust slower this time, rolling my hips around in circles for her. She threw her head back and moaned my name over and over.

"You want me baby?" I whispered into her ear.

"Yes Jake!" She cried.

I slid my hands up from her hips and grabbed her tits, rubbing my hands over her hard nipples.

"How bad do you want me?" I asked trying to make my voice as husky as I could and keeping my mouth close to her ear.

"Real bad baby! Oh God, don't stop!" She cried out as I pulled out of her again. "What are you doing?" She asked in dismay.

I leaned back and got a bottle of lube out of the bedside table drawer. I rubbed some of it on my cock. I slipped back into her pussy but pushed two fingers that were covered in lube into her tight little ass. She gasped in surprise. I'd never done that to her before. She'd been a virgin when we met, and I had never thought she was ready for it then. I knew she was now.

I leaned over her and asked: "You still want me baby?"

"Yes Jake, I still want you." She replied.

"Good, cause I want you too baby, all of you." I said as I pulled my fingers out of her ass, and pulled my cock out of her pussy. I began to very slowly push my cock against her tight little ass and I felt her try to pull away from me. I grabbed her hips and pulled her back against me.

"Jake don't!" She protested.

"It's ok baby. I know what I'm doing. Just relax and breathe with it. I want all of you. You said you like it rough. You will just have to trust me." I answered.

I'd done this before with girls, and Edward had done it to me enough times in the past few weeks, that I knew it could hurt like hell until you got used to it. I wasn't gonna tell her that it wouldn't hurt, but I moved slowly, talked her through the initial penetration, and after a couple false starts, she finally relaxed enough for me to get all the way in.

I waited for her to settle down, then I built up my rhythm slowly and easily. I slid my hand up the center of her back, and pushed her chest down onto the bed. I loved her in this position. I could get so deep into her. She was so tight, that it was almost too much for my control. I knew it probably hurt her, and I was trying to be careful, but then I remembered what she had said about liking it rough.

I decided to take it to the next level, and I carefully put both my hands around her neck and squeezed just a little, cutting off some, but not all of her air. I felt her struggle a little bit, then she relaxed again, and began to move with me.

"That's it baby, get into it." I breathed.

I squeezed her neck harder, and began to move faster. I couldn't believe that she liked this. I would have loved to have it done to me this way. Maybe I would get up enough courage to ask Edward to tie me up sometime.

"Yeah, come on baby!" I cried as I felt myself getting closer and closer. I had to force myself to ease up on her neck, as I knew if I was still squeezing it when I came, that I'd probably kill her. I grabbed her by the shoulders, and yanked her back up against me as I came hard into her.

"Fuck yeah!" I moaned against her ear as I collapsed all my weight onto her for a couple of seconds. I rolled off her onto the bed and gasped for breath.

"God baby, that was just too fucking hot! You're gonna kill me!" I gasped between breaths.

She rolled carefully onto her side, grinning at me and winking as I got up and stumbled into the bathroom to clean up. When I got back, she was propped up in bed smiling at me.

"Come here you animal!" She growled, and who was I to argue?

I slid into bed and cuddled up to her putting my head on her shoulder, and my arms around her waist.

"God I love you so much Bella! Do you know how much I love you?"

She smiled down at me and rubbed her fingers through my hair.

"I didn't hurt you did I?" I asked

"Oh, I'm sure I'll have some bruises, but I'll just tell the girls at work that my hottie hubby turns into a wolf when the moon is full!" She laughed.

I laughed with her and squeezed her tighter. "So you're really Ok"

"Yes Jake, I'm ok. So tell me honey…" She started.

"Tell you what babe?"

"Is that what it feels like when Edward fucks you?"

Authors Note: Well holy shit! What is Jake gonna do now? I hope he has a plan for this one! How is this development gonna affect the boys? Jake really needs to get his shit together at this point huh? More to come! Sorry about the hetero, don't be hate-ing me! That means you Rat!


	16. Chapter 16

Libera Me

Chapter Sixteen

Drastic Measures

EPOV

It had been almost a week since I'd seen Jake. I was honestly starting to go a little crazy. When Bella takes a lot of days off in a row, it makes it hard for us to be together, but this was ridiculous. I knew she was supposed to work tonight, and I hoped she would, because I didn't think I could survive one more day without seeing him.

He usually called at least, to talk to me. But it had been four days since he'd called me. Nothing! I hated this. Maybe she was putting pressure on him or something. Maybe he was changing his mind. I knew I was going to drive myself mad with this. If I didn't get some control soon, it would be too bad!

I showered, shaved, got dressed and drove into town. I knew Jake had just gotten off work, and should at least be home by now. I tried to look inconspicuous as I drove past their little rental house. His truck was in the driveway all right, but so was her Volvo. Shit! Well, to hell with it. I was going to call him anyway. I had to hear his voice.

I pulled over and dialed his number, but it just rang and rang before going to voicemail. I drove back home dejected, and sat staring at the television. After a while of doing nothing, I got up, and went down to his room. I buried my face in his pillow just to breathe in his scent. I had done that same thing at least a thousand times this week. Something is really wrong. I know it. Is he leaving me? I will blow my head off if I lose him. I swear to God I will!

Authors Note: Poor Edward! He's really losing it this time! Is Jake really leaving Edward? It's a really good thing Edward didn't stop at Jake's. Remember the phone call he made to Jake's phone? Well in the next chapter, that phone call will come into play. Funny what's going on both inside and outside someone's house at the same time. Stick with it!


	17. Chapter 17

Libera Me

Chapter Seventeen

Gut Wrenching Agony

JPOV

You know those awful moments in life when your dreading something awful will happen, and then it does? You know that feeling like all the blood is draining out of your body, and you can taste the adrenaline in your mouth as the fight or flight kicks in? Well baby, I was in that moment big time!

I could feel my heart pumping way too fast, and I knew my face betrayed my shock. I was sure my eyes were popped out, and I knew my mouth was probably gaping open like some slack jawed idiot. So help me God, I couldn't talk! I mean I was literally speechless, and that never happens to me. I couldn't make my mouth move, or my voice form any words. I just stared, and remained frozen against her, looking up at her.

Had I just heard her say what I thought she'd said? I knew she could see that I wasn't ok. I was sure she could feel my heart pounding against her chest where we were pressed together. She'd seen my shocked expression. My hands were shaking, and I'd broken out in a cold sweat. Yeah, it was pretty damned obvious. I'm a dead man!

"You're all shook up aren't ya baby?" She asked with a sweet little grin.

She honestly seemed like she was enjoying this! After a minute of just trying to breathe, I was finally able to form a sentence, but my voice was cracked and shaky.

"What? What the hell did you say? I mean… how did you…? What? How did you know?" I asked in defeat. There was no point in denying it now. I honestly thought I was going to pass out, and it would have been a blessing.

"You must think I'm a complete fool!" She said coldly. "I'm a critical care nurse Jacob. We notice things. We're trained to look for things, to see the whole picture. It helps us figure out what's wrong with our patients. Were like detectives in a way. Did you think I wouldn't see the bruises on you? Did you think I couldn't smell his cologne all over you, all over your clothes? Did you think I wouldn't notice that our bed is never slept in when I work nights?"

I had nothing to say in response to that. What could I say? All this time, I'd thought we had been so careful, but I'd been dead wrong.

"I got suspicious and asked one of the girls at work to trade nights with me Monday night. I pretended that I was going to work, got dressed and everything, then I went and parked in the side lot of the high school. I saw your truck go by and followed you to Edwards. Then I parked some distance down the driveway so you guys wouldn't see the headlights from the car, and walked up to the house. I peeked through windows until I found the right room, and I could see through the curtains."

My guts were churning and I thought I was gonna throw up for sure. "Bella…" I started miserably.

"No Jake, let me finish!" She hissed at me. "Can you guess what I saw?" She asked.

"Please don't!" I begged.

"Do you know how it felt when I saw my husband, letting another man fuck him? Can you imagine how that made me feel? I watched him touching you, running his hands all over you. I saw him kissing you! I stood right there in the snow, outside the window and watched him fucking you!" She shouted.

I looked down at the floor and tried to breathe, but I really just wished I could suffocate and die. It was what I thought I deserved. She grabbed a handful of my hair and forced me to look up at her.

"Don't you dare start crying Jacob! You talk to me! Right now you talk! I want to hear it!"

I forced myself to take a deep breath, and cleared my throat. I would talk. I would tell her everything. I would hold back nothing. I started at the beginning, and told her about Paul, and what had happened between us due to my addiction, and how he'd used me to get what he wanted. I explained to her about how I'd met Edward that day, and the money he had given me had saved me from Paul. I told her about that night at the store, the fight that almost happened, what Paul had thought, why he had gotten so angry.

I went over, in some detail, the time Edward and I had spent together in the house, sliding deeper and deeper into drugs. And lastly, I confessed to her about that night when he had taken advantage of me, and how I'd left the next morning to go get clean. I explained to her how I'd tried to make myself believe that I didn't have any feelings for Edward at all, and that I hated him. I said that I'd married her because she was like a little bright sun that had come into my darkness and lit up my world, and that for a while, it had been enough. But that it still came back to him. It always was him.

"I know you hate me right now Bella, and you have every right to feel that way. I've always known that eventually you would find out, and it would hurt you. I know this doesn't make any sense to you right now. I know you feel betrayed, but this is how I am. This is how I feel, and it's who I am. I can't change it. I'm not normal. I'm never gonna run right. I know right now, you don't believe me, but I do love you. I love you both. I can't help it, and I can't stop it, and I can't live without both of you! God Bella! Please don't leave me!"

I couldn't go on. There was nothing else to say. I reached for her, and leaned over putting my head in her lap, and wrapping my arms around her waist. After a moment, I was aware of her hands in my hair, stroking through it gently.

"Why couldn't you tell me you were going through this baby?" She asked.

"I don't know." I whispered. I couldn't say much else. I was crying so hard that I thought I wouldn't be able to stop.

"Hush Jacob, don't cry. We'll work this out. Everything is going to be ok. I promise you." She said, as she continued to run her fingers through my hair. It felt good to me. I began to hope that there might be a chance at salvation.

That was when my phone began to ring, and I knew who it was just by the ringtone! God What lousy timing he has!

Bella reached over and picked up my phone. "It's Edward. Should I answer it?" She asked grinning and winking at me.

"No, I can't possibly talk to him right now." I said.

She laid my phone back down and I sat up to look at her.

"Bella…" I started.

"Shh Jake, just tell me this. Do you love me?" She asked.

"Yes I do love you." I answered earnestly.

"Then that's all I need. I want you to be happy. It's all I've ever wanted. And I have to make a confession to you." She said.

"What?" I asked breathlessly.

She smiled and looked away. "No matter how mad I was at you for lying to me, I have to admit, watching you and him together like that was pretty damn hot!"

The last conscious thought I had, was of her screaming "Jake!" as I hit the carpet in a dead faint!

Authors Note: Chuckle! Jake is so funny! So what now? Always ready to hear your thoughts!


	18. Chapter 18

Libera Me

Chapter Eighteen

Joint Custody

EPOV

Well it had been three months since Bella found out about us, and what a strange three months it had been! At first, it took a little getting used to, and there was some initial squabbling over equal time rights, but we managed to work out a system. Bella had joked to me, that we were like a divorced couple sharing joint custody of Jake. It really kind of felt that way.

I got "custody" of Jake every other weekend when she was working, and on her nights to work during the week. She had him the rest of the time. It was kind of surreal, but we sort of fell into a pattern that worked for us. Jake seemed to be handling it ok, but he did look a little tired at times.

I wanted things to be better for him, but I really didn't have a clue how to do it any differently. Bella had been the one to suggest doing it this way, and it seemed like a good compromise. I just hoped that Jake would be able to handle all the shuffling around.

It was late on a Friday night, and Jake and I were lying on the thick carpet in the living room, sipping wine and talking. We had a three day weekend together, and were taking a break from our most recent "session of sensuality".

I stroked my fingers through his beautiful hair. He was growing it out again, and it was just at his shoulders again, cut in long layers that he pushed back from his pretty face.

"Are you happy?" I asked him.

"Yes I am." He sighed.

I could see that he was worn out. He had worked at the garage that day, and all this switching back and forth was unsettling to him.

"Hey tell me something!" He said as he leaned up on his elbow to look down at me.

"What love?" I asked.

"Is Bella planning a surprise party for my birthday?" He asked.

Jake was turning twenty in a couple of days, and Bella had approached me about using my house for a big surprise party for him. She had invited all his friends and family from the rez and Forks, and I had invited Jasper and mom. We were going to cook out and have a bon fire since the weather was finally warming up enough to be outside. It was just going to be a really fun time, and we were all looking forward to it. I tried very hard not to let my face betray anything as I answered him.

"Well, not that I know of Jake. Why, did she say something?"

"No, but she's acting all secret about something." He replied.

"I really wouldn't know baby." I said innocently. "When she talks to me, it's always just about custody of you. Besides, she's got you that night, so I wouldn't know anything about it."

"Yeah, I guess so." He replied, sipping at his wine. Suddenly he looked up at me.

"But if I find out that she is, and that you know, I'll be really and I mean really pissed!"

"Oh you will huh?" I asked, lowering my eyes seductively.

"You bet I will!" He snarled, then reached for my wine glass, and set both mine and his on the coffee table.

I was attempting to sit up, but he had other plans, and pounced on me pinning my hands down. God but he was rough sometimes! I struggled vainly under his weight, but Jake with all that solid packed bulky muscle, can be an immovable object when he wants to be. I had always known that he could easily choke me, or beat me to death if he wanted to. He really didn't have any inkling of how strong he was, and sometimes I had to remind him. I often wondered how little, fragile Bella handled him.

I knew the trouble I could get myself into, but I was in the mood to play dangerously tonight. I decided to risk my life a little. Anyway, life is more fun when you live on the edge, so I bated him.

"So what will you do if I'm lying, and I do know about a party?" I whispered into his ear as he ran a trail of kisses up and down my neck.

He rose up, looking at me with nothing less than a "fuck me" expression on his face, and put his tempting mouth right next to my ear as he spoke in that deep sexy bedroom voice of his.

"I'll beat the hell out of you." He spoke slowly emphasizing each word.

The blazing hot reaction that got out of him, was exactly why I'd bated him in the first place. Jacob raised to wrath, was nothing short of breathtaking.

"You would really do that to me?" I asked him in mock fear.

"No, I wouldn't." He admitted. "But I would be really mad."

I decided to distract him from this train of thought, and the good thing about Jake is that he is really easy to distract. I leaned up and nipped at his full lower lip with my teeth, then ran my tongue slowly over it. So just like that, his thoughts were scattered, and he forgot all about the surprise party and any suspicions that he was harboring.

I was smart enough to realize by his body signals, that he was going to be the one in control tonight. I could tell by the mood he was in, that I would be the one surrendering this evening. I honestly wondered why it wasn't that way more often, given the difference in our sizes and builds.

I mean, anyone looking at us as a gay couple, would have sworn that I was the bottom. Even the way we dressed, seemed to hint that he was the brawn, and I was the brains. But tonight, he was clearly intent on topping, and that was fine by me. I wasn't, however, ok with doing it right here on the living room floor. If I had to bottom, it was going to be in a bed, not on the carpet where anyone could look in on us.

"Come on you sexy beast, let's go to your room." I pleaded.

"K." He replied, and rolled off me.

Well, that might have been our original intent, but we didn't make it to his room. When we got halfway down the stairs, he grabbed me, shoved me up against the wall, and slammed his mouth so hard against mine that I tasted blood. I wasn't sure whose blood it was. He forced his tongue into my mouth, and twisted it around mine. His kisses were sometimes brutal like that, and I often wondered if it was his intent to be so rough, or if he just couldn't help his violence.

His hands pushed up past my waist, pulling my shirt with them. He broke the kiss to yank it over my head and toss it away. Then he was right back into the kiss again, pushing his body tightly against me. His heart was racing against mine. It felt right to me to be like this with him. I couldn't think of anything else I wanted except maybe a bed.

"Jake." I gasped against his mouth. "Your room…"

"No time for that!" He growled.

He shoved his hands between us, yanking frantically at my belt buckle. It only irritated him more when I tried to help him get it loose.

"Let me do it!" He snarled against my neck as he shoved my hands out of the way.

So I did. I would do anything for him, anything he wanted, anything he needed to keep him satisfied. I would walk through the fires of hell for him. I had started this to keep him distracted, but I suddenly forgot all about whatever it was I had been trying to keep him distracted from, as he achieved his goal of getting into my jeans, and his warm hand wrapped itself around my instantly hard, and instantly throbbing cock.

I felt my legs giving out, and I slid down the wall. He moved with me. We balanced ourselves on the stairs. He kept his hand on my cock, stroking it, while he used his other hand to pull my shoes and socks off. He didn't stop me when I slid my jeans down, and kicked them off. He moved down between my knees, pushing them apart with his massive shoulders. I could tell by the way he was looking up at me, that I was in for one hell of a blow job, and I couldn't wait!

I stared straight into his big brown eyes as he leaned closer to me, and began to tease the leaking head of my cock with his tongue.

"Jake!" I cried out as I clutched at his shoulders. "Fuck!"

"You bet we will!" He growled in that sensual voice that drove me insane.

He teased me with his tongue for a couple more minutes, until I couldn't stand it, and began to thrust up against his mouth. He got the picture, stopped the teasing, and went down on me. I arched my hips up toward him, loving the feel of his mouth on me. I wished I never had to let him go.

I grabbed the sides of his head and pulled him all the way down on me. I was surprised when he let me do it. I was too keyed up to last very long, and I knew I was gonna cum soon if he kept this up very long.

"Jake, you better stop." I managed to get out through my clenched teeth. "I can't hold on …much….longer."

He didn't seem to hear me, and if anything, he amped up his efforts. He swirled his tongue along the length of my cock as he moved up and down, sucking a little harder than before.

I felt that sensation of absolute joy and pure bliss flood over me. Each time I came for him, seemed a little better than the last time if that was even possible. I was aware that he was moving. I heard the snap of his jeans give, and the sound of the zipper lowering. I was able to register, even in my euphoric state, that he was naked, and pressing his body up against me, turning me over onto my knee's on the steps. He moved behind me, and pressed his fingers into my mouth.

"Suck on them." He breathed into my ear.

So of course I did, moving my tongue around them the way he had just done to my cock. He loved that. He couldn't stand that very long before he stopped me, and I felt those same fingers pushing into me, getting me ready for him. But he didn't spend too much time doing that either, and I wasn't really ready when he shoved against me.

I cried out in pain before I could stop myself.

"I'm sorry." He said sincerely. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"It's ok." I replied. "I'm not hurt, I just wasn't ready. I'm ok now."

Once again, I wondered if he just couldn't help the violence. He waited for me to relax a little, before we got back to it, but it didn't take him long to revert to animal mode. He almost always did. My knees and hips were being ground against the carpeted stairs, and I knew I'd probably have rug burns on them, but I was past the point of caring. It felt too good. No, it felt totally fucking awesome!

He could do this to me forever. He could kill me doing this, and I wouldn't care. When I felt him collapse against me, moaning into my ear how much he loved me, I couldn't counter the wave of emotion that always overcame me. No matter what might have happened between us in the past, this was now, and he loved me. There was nothing else that I needed.

Except maybe a bed!

Authors Note: Ok, so I hope you guys liked this one. Short and sweet boy on boy. So, do you think Jake will really kill Edward when he finds out that he knows about the party? Remember when Jake was fantasizing about having the courage to ask Edward to tie him up? Maybe he will turn the tables on Edward next time. Who knows? Well, I do since I wrote this story a year ago! Getting close to the finish! BTW, there will be lemons in every chapter from now on out, just thought you all should know!


	19. Chapter 19

Libera Me

Chapter Nineteen

Surprise/Compromise

EPOV

The day of Jake's party had arrived. Quil an Embry were making good on their promise to keep Jake out of the way. They had gotten a group of guy's together that morning and taken Jake out to the river to "fish and drink beer", as Bella had put it. She had arrived at my house just a few minutes after they left, and we had been busy all morning.

Jasper and mom came early to help us out. Bella and my mom took to each other right away and began to put up streamers and balloons in the garage and on the deck outside where we were having the party. I was in charge of the cake, so Jasper and I drove to Port Angeles, and picked it up. I'd ordered it a week earlier. It was chocolate, Jake's favorite, and had white icing. There was a picture of a timber wolf on the front, and above the wolf in black letters, was "Happy Birthday Jacob". Bella had picked up a number two and zero candle to put on top of the cake, because we didn't think it would look good to put twenty candles all over that masterpiece.

When we arrived back at the house, we noticed that the delivery men had come with the load of fire wood, and were stacking it up for the bonfire. Mom and Bella were setting up the tables for the covered dishes that everyone was bringing to go along with the burgers and dogs I was going to grill out. We'd ordered a keg, and it had arrived last night. I put out some wine coolers for the ladies, and soda for those not inclined to drink. As Jasper and I were setting up the lawn chairs on the porches and around the bonfire area, the guests started to arrive.

Mom, Jasper, and Bella were showing everyone where to put the gifts and food and where to park, so I excused myself to slip inside for a shower. I was nervous, not so much about Jake's reaction to the party. I knew he would pretend to be mad, but that he would secretly love it. I was more uncertain about his reaction to the present Bella and I planned to give him later. God, I hope everything goes well!

I was just finishing up getting dressed, when mom came to get me. They were coming up the driveway, and we hurried out to stand with the crowd as Quil pulled up in his Jeep. Jared, Seth and Quil all jumped out at the same time, and Seth pulled Jake out of the front passenger seat.

Jake stood grinning, and shaking his head as everyone yelled surprise. He blushed and stared down at the ground. "Yeah great! Thanks everyone." He said sarcastically.

But I'd been right. He loved it. He mock punched me in the shoulder as he passed me, and leaned in to whisper in my ear. "Oh you are so gonna pay for this later!"

"Looking forward to it!" I replied.

So we turned on the music, lit the bonfire, and Jasper and I grilled the burgers and dogs as mom, Bella and Sue Clearwater took care of the food table. We all sat around laughing and talking while we ate, then everyone gathered around as Jake opened his presents. He'd gotten a shit load of stuff and was totally thrilled.

Seth, Leah and Sue had gotten him some of those bead and shell necklaces and bracelets that he liked to wear, his dad had bought him a new rifle to hunt with, Quil and Embry had bought him a new set of rims for his truck, mom and Jaz gave him two pre-paid Visa's with five hundred dollars each on them, Jared gave him new speakers for his truck, and there were various other little things. I bought him a lot of new clothes from Hollister and Abercrombie. I guess I just liked to see him dressed like a model. Bella gave him some movies he'd been wanting. Over all, it was a good haul.

Everyone was having such a good time. Bella lit the candles on the cake and reminded Jake to make a wish before he blew them out. I looked at him as he turned and surveyed the crowd of people around him. He was biting his lower lip, his eyes were misted over a little bit. He was so completely happy. I'd never seen him look so beautiful.

"What do you wish for, when you already have everything you ever wanted?" He asked as he leaned over and blew out the candles.

"I can think of something you don't have yet." Bella's dad replied. "I'm ready for a grandbaby!"

I was sure he had meant to be joking, but I didn't fail to notice the rather strained look that passed suddenly between Jake and Bella. I'd never asked him what their plans were on that front. I guess it never came up in conversation. But no matter. The moment passed. It had been a great evening, and we'd all had a wonderful time.

The guys were milling around the fire, the gals were cleaning up the food, and Bella was packing Jake's presents into her car. Little by little, people started to thin out, until it was just me, mom, Jasper, Jake and Bella. Jaz and I put out the fire and took down the tables and chairs. Bella and mom cleaned up the decorations and trash. When everything was done, Jaz and mom hugged everyone and headed off toward their two hour drive back home.

Bella had custody of Jake that night, and he was surprised when she suggested that he should stay with me instead.

"No baby, you stay with Edward tonight. I'll take your presents home. You stay and have a good time." She kissed him goodbye, and hugged him to her as she winked at me over his shoulder. Act one was completed, and act two was underway. I was now left center stage to pull it off without her. Could I do it?

"Did you have a good time sexy boy?" I asked slinging my arm loosely around his shoulders.

"Yeah you asshole!" He yelled as he kidney punched me. "You fucking lied to me!" He laughed. " Oh course, I knew you were!"

"Oh you didn't know shit!" I answered, ducking out of the way as he swung again.

"Man, I need a shower." He said, stretching out his muscular body and yawning.

"Mind if I join you?" I asked as I lowered my eyes and looked up at him seductively. I'd had a shower before the party, but nothing sounded better to me, than to be in a warm, wet, steamy little space with him.

"Yeah, yeah, that's just what I need on my birthday, a gay, white boy in the shower with me!" He laughed.

"Oh, that is exactly what you need right now!" I answered, following after him as he pulled off his t-shirt. I would have followed him right through the gates of hell as long as I got to burn with him.

As we slipped into the rain shower, I pressed my body up against his from behind. I loved the way we seemed to fit together like puzzle pieces. I was a little taller than him, but it didn't matter. He laid his pretty head back against my shoulder, and I began to run my hands over that sculpted chest and tight little belly. The steam from the shower rose around us and the water ran in rivulets over his warm dark skin. I buried my face against his damp hair at the back of his neck and breathed in his intoxicating scent.

"Lovely." I whispered as I wrapped my arms tightly around him and held him.

"Do you ever get tired of being me and Bella's sex toy?" I asked.

He laughed. "Sometimes I get tired, but not tired of that."

"Good." I replied as I tried to keep my voice and my hands steady. My nerves were a little on edge. I hoped if he picked up it, that he would just think it was because of our close proximity.

"Edward, do you ever get tired of it?" He asked, tilting his head around to look at me.

"Oh hell no!" I said eagerly, wrapping my arms tighter around him. "I love you Jacob. I'll never get tired of loving you."

We took our time in the shower, soaping each other up. We kept stopping to kiss and touch. I could die kissing that sexy full mouth of his. He tasted so good, like pure unadulterated sin! My hot little Indian boy! Yeah baby!

We were both very worked up when we finally got out of the shower and into his bedroom. I got him onto the bed, and then pulled away for a minute. Now was the time. I took a deep breath, and steadied myself for courage.

"Hold on a minute love, I want to make it special tonight."

I lit some candles, put on some music, and turned out the lights. He was laying back on the pillows smiling at me as I walked over to him. I slid in beside him, and reached under the pillow for a prop I'd placed there earlier. When he saw what it was, he frowned.

"What's that?" He asked nervously.

"It's a blindfold baby." I answered.

"Who's it for?" He asked.

"It's for you baby."

"I don't know…" He started fearfully.

"Don't you trust me?" I asked.

"Umm, in theory…" He replied.

"Just trust me baby." I answered as I moved around to tie it securely behind his head, making sure he couldn't see anything.

I knew Jake might freak out with this, so I was moving slowly and carefully, trying not to startle him.

"Just feel baby." I told him. "You don't need your eyes to tell you what feels good to you. That's it, just relax. Feel me touching you. Just feel."

I moved my fingertips lightly over his face, slowly touching his lips with my thumbs.

"Feel me kissing you." I whispered against his mouth as I brought my lips gently against his, and brushed them so carefully. I felt his breathing hitch up as I slid my tongue into his hot mouth. He was ready.

I knew this was turning him on. I'd always had a theory about him. Although I knew he liked to be the one in charge from time to time, I'd always believed that he absolutely loved being dominated.

I moved around behind him, and sat with my back against the headboard of the bed. "Lay back against me." I said, pulling his back against my chest. He laid his head back against my shoulder as I leaned down to kiss his cheek.

"Take your towel off." I whispered into his ear, and he did as I asked. "Touch yourself." I breathed, and he did as I asked.

I watched, looking down over his beautiful body, as he slid his hand slowly along his hard cock. I listened, as his breathing hitched up, and he bit his lower lip. He needed to be just enough into this for the plan to work. As the door to the bedroom opened silently, I looked up and nodded.

Authors Note: Just let it play out!


	20. Chapter 20

Libera Me

Chapter Twenty

Menage a trois

BPOV

He looked so perfect laid out there on the bed. How could I hate what he and Edward had together when it made him so happy? I watched him as he lay back against Edward touching himself. I'd asked him to do that for me lots of times. Who wouldn't want to watch him jerk off? I mean come on! There is nothing hotter!

I had to bite my lip to keep from moaning out loud. I was sure the look on my face spoke volumes. Edward smiled at me, and made a motion with his head for me to come closer. I'd gotten out of my clothes, and into a little black lace two piece camy and thong number that I'd bought for the occasion, and spritzed on some channel number twenty-two perfume. If I got too close, Jake might smell it. But evidently, Ed thought the time was just right.

I began to crawl very carefully and slowly up onto the foot of the bed. Edward shifted his position around to disguise the movement I was making. Jake didn't seem to notice. As I got into position, Edward reached down and pulled Jake's hand off his cock.

"That's enough baby." Edward whispered against Jake's ear as he turned Jake's head toward him.

As they began to kiss, I bit my lip, and concentrated. Breathe Bella, just breathe! Oh Jake was so hot, but then again, he was hotness incarnate! I mean, all he ever had to do was look at me the right way, and it was on. Who in their right mind would ever be able to say no to him? And Edward, well he wasn't too bad either! But this was way beyond anything I'd ever felt before. It made me want to touch myself. When I slid my fingers along the crotch of my thong panties, Edward broke the kiss, and turned his head to watch.

I looked up shyly at him as he smiled at me and ran his tongue along his lower lip. I could see how cute he was, and I understood Jake's attraction to him.

"Jake." Edward whispered. "Did you get everything you wanted for your birthday?"

"Yes, it was great!" He gasped. "But can we talk about it later?" He asked in an irritated tone of voice.

It was all I could do not to laugh. His hand was drifting back down toward his eager cock, and Edward caught it just in time.

"No, no baby. Not yet. Are you sure you got everything you wanted?" Edward asked teasingly.

"Yeah, damn it!" Jake replied as he absolutely wreathed on the bed in an effort to get some relief. God, Edward was a cruel lover! I never could have kept Jake wanting like that. I didn't have the stamina for it!

Edward smiled at me, and leaned down to whisper in Jake's ear again. "It just so happens baby, that you have another present you haven't been given yet."

"It better be your big hard cock!" Jake gasped, and again made a plan to touch himself, with Edward grabbing his hand again.

"Jake, if you don't stop that I'm gonna have to tie you up!" Edward warned.

"Oh Fuck!" Jake whispered breathlessly as he struggled vainly on the bed. I'd never seen him so turned on before, and I was a little jealous, but only a little.

Jake made the mistake of trying one more time to reach his straining cock to give it some relief, and Edward leaned over and retrieved a pair of handcuffs from the bedside table drawer. Before my Jake knew what was happening, he was pinned down by Edward, and disorientated as he was from the blindfold, and the euphoria he was in, he didn't have a chance.

Edward pulled Jake's arms behind his back, and cuffed his hands together. Jake struggled for a minute before he realized what was happening.

"Hey, what the hell!" He shouted. "Get these damn things off me!"

"Not a chance baby! You wouldn't be good, and now you have to pay." Ed teased.

He rolled Jake back over, and pulled him back up into his lap. I watched breathlessly as Edward ran his hands over Jake's sexy body and trailed kisses up and down his neck.

"Relax Jacob." He said in a sultry voice into Jake's ear.

Ed motioned for me, and I leaned up closer to Jake, and brushed my lips against his shoulder, then moved up to kiss his slightly parted lips, running my tongue over them the way I knew he liked.

Jake's whole body froze and he took in a jagged breath as he realized that he wasn't alone on the bed with Edward. For a couple of seconds, he didn't even move, then he sat up, and Edward yanked off the blindfold.

He sat looking back and forth at each of us for a minute. Then he mouthed the words "What the Fuck?", as Ed and I glanced at each other and smiled devilishly back at him.

Authors note: Ok, don't be hating me! A story writes itself. The author is only the tool.


	21. Chapter 21

Libera Me

Chapter Twenty One

Revelations

Authors Note: This chapter will switch between JPOV and EPOV so watch for that.

JPOV

"WHAT THE FUCK!" I mouthed in shock. In this long day of surprises, I couldn't have been more surprised if I'd woken up with my head sewn to the carpet! I sat looking from one of my lovers to the other, and for the second time in my twenty years, I was totally speechless. Edward was the first to speak.

"We wanted to surprise you with this. Bella and I have been talking, and we've decided that we don't want to pass you back and forth anymore."

"Baby, we've decided that the best solution for all three of us, is for you and me to move in here with Edward." Bella said as she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. "This way, we can all have each other anytime we want, and no one has to be lonely."

"What…I mean what, live here?" I stammered.

"Yeah, our lease runs out at the end of next month anyway. This is a beautiful house, and let's face it, Ed is no kinda housekeeper." She answered.

Edward chuckled at that remark. "I'd be really happy to have you guys here all the time." He replied. "Bella can take care of us, and we can take care of her Jake." He gave me a look that said so much more than words.

"But we can talk about that latter baby." He whispered to me, as he stroked his fingers down my back. "Tonight is for you."

_Switch to Edwards Point of View_

EPOV

I knew how I wanted this to go, but I didn't know if Jake would go along with it or not. Bella was all for the idea, so I moved away, and let her get to it. It was erotic for me to watch her work on him. She began to kiss him hungrily as she pulled him down on the bed with her. I secretly began to wonder about Jake, if he wasn't perhaps some kind of incubus sent from hell to tempt us all into sexual deviance! Well if so, I was certainly damned!

The two of them were lying on their sides facing each other. She wrapped her hand around his cock and began to stroke it in earnest.

"Please Jake!" She begged as she pulled at his hair.

"What baby?" He asked.

"Love me!" She pleaded.

He looked up at me as if for permission, and I nodded my assent, retrieved the key to the handcuffs and released him. He rolled her onto her back, and she bent her knees up for him. I waited for him to get into position and get his rhythm going before I made my move.

I retrieved the lube from the bedside table, and got myself ready for him, then moved into position behind him. I expected him to protest when he felt me push against him, but he didn't. I wondered if he was too much into it to care, or if he had figured out what was coming.

I gripped his hips and moved slowly and carefully into him. He moaned and tossed his head back against my chest. He was breathing fast and hard. I looked down past him, and I could see Bella lying there looking up at both of us, her eyes dark and full of lust.

"Yes, that's it baby." She whispered, pulling at Jake. I complied with her seeming request and thrust against him, driving him against her.

She cried out with pleasure as our combined thrusts drove him deep into her. Now she was clutching at us both. I was about as turned on as I'd ever been. I'd been in three-somes before, but not like this!

I couldn't hear anything except for Jake's moans of pleasure, and I couldn't imagine what this must be like for him, what he was feeling right now. It was obviously way beyond anything he'd ever felt before.

"Come on baby. Cum for us!" I moaned against his ear.

"Yes baby, please cum for us!" Bella echoed from beneath.

I pumped him faster and rougher. I was the only one moving at this point. He was just passively letting me fuck then both and it was too much for me. I tightened my hold on him, knowing it would leave bruises.

"Come on Jake!" I cried.

"Fuck!" He moaned as he came hard into Bella and she cried out against his chest as he collapsed against her.

I followed in fast pursuit with my own orgasm racking me at almost the same moment. I couldn't be sure, but it sounded like Bella had got off as well. I couldn't imagine how she wouldn't have, what with all the stimulation.

Sometime later, I lay awake watching then sleep, my two loves. Beautiful Bella, and beautiful Jake, together here with me. I knew our lives were not being lived the way most people thought was normal, but then none of us exactly "ran right" as Jake would put it. We all fell asleep there in Jacob's bed, with our limbs twined together. So much time had passed, so much had happened since I first met him. I dreamed it all in vivid detail as the night passed. I will never be lonely again.

Authors Note: Last Chapter Ahead…


	22. Chapter 22

Libera Me

Chapter Twenty Two

Say Goodbye to Regret

EPOV

_Three months latter_

It was a beautiful morning, and I'd gotten up at nine am, which is really early for me. It was Saturday, and none of us had anywhere to be. The sun was up, so bright and pretty. I stood in the kitchen looking out through the sliding door to the balcony. I'd had the broken key removed from the lock sometime after Bella and Jake moved in. They liked to sit out on the balcony after supper at night.

I still didn't really like to be out on it even after all this time. But today, it felt different somehow. I walked out onto the balcony. I could hear birds singing, feel the warm breeze. I looked down at the spot where Alice had fallen, and for the first time since her death, I didn't see her looking back up at me.

I did feel her though. Suddenly it was like she was standing right next to me. I could almost smell her perfume. Tears came into my eyes, and a lump formed in my throat.

"Alice." I whispered.

I could hear her voice in my head. "Be happy Edward, be happy."

As the wind suddenly wafted over, it felt like she passed through me, and as she did, all the sadness and guilt I'd been carrying all this time, passed with her. I sensed her going away, up and through the trees. She was flying. She was free at last. I could let her go. She had stayed because of me. She had stayed to see that I was ok, and now she could go.

"Goodbye Alice." I said.

I was jolted out of my reverie with noises from the kitchen. Bella was up, fixing breakfast for her "two men" as she called us. I could hear Jake in the living room, bitching about there "not being anything on the tv this early".

I smiled to myself. No, we were certainly not a normal family, and that was for sure, but we were all here together.

This is our life.

Now I am home.

Coda: Nine Months Latter

_Police Chief Charlie Swan of Forks, Washington, would like to announce the birth of his twin grandchildren, Alice Carlie Black, and Jacob Levi Black Jr. The little miss and mister will reside with their mother Bella and their father Jacob Black in the home of Edward Cullen on High Gap Road. There will be a welcome to the world party at Chief Swan's residence this Thursday. Please RSVP._

Authors Note: So there it is. This was not the original ending to the story, and I know some of you will hate this ending. If there is enough interest, I will post the original ending that I wrote a year ago as chapter twenty three. It takes place after Edward goes to meet Jake the night of the storm, and is only one chapter long. Anyway, let me know if you guys want it or not. It is really dark, and I didn't want to end on a dark note, so let me know!


	23. Chapter 23

Libera Me

Chapter Twenty Three

Alternate Ending

Authors Note: This was the original ending to Libera Me. It would have been Chapter Fourteen, so go back and re-read chapter thirteen before you read this. I changed the ending because this ending was so dark. It didn't feel right at the time. I've had some requests to post the original ending, so here it is. This will complete the story.

EPOV

I was jerked out of a beautiful sleep by the annoying sound of someone banging loudly on the basement entry door. God it was probably Jasper. I'd had to practically threaten him to keep him from coming with me. Yeah, it would be him for sure. I pulled my jeans on, and headed out into the hall.

"Yeah, yeah, give me a minute. I'm coming!" I shouted toward the door. I was not prepared for what awaited me on the other side.

Bella was standing there in the snow, bristling with anger. She pushed me aside and charged into the house.

"Where the fuck is he? Don't you lie to me you faggot! I know he's here. His fucking truck is in the driveway. I'm sick of this sneaking around shit he does, his fucking lies. I've had it! Jake! Where are you?" She shouted.

I tried to grab her arm to prevent her from opening the door the Jake's room, but she slipped past me, throwing it open. Her hands flew up over her mouth, and her face contorted into grief and rage. Jake had sat up on the side of the bed, and was trying to pull his pants on. He only had them halfway up when she opened the door.

"Bella! It's…It's not what…it looks like!" Jake stammered.

"Shut up! God Damn it! Don't tell me that shit! I caught you with your fucking pants down! My own husband! I always suspected something like this might happen with you two. I had a feeling, I knew. Well guess what Jakey boy? Don't fucking bother coming home! You're not welcome there ever again! And here's something else! I'm pregnant! If you think you'll ever lay eyes on this baby, you got another thing coming! I'll never let you see this kid! You can pay out the ass in child support, but you'll never see this baby!" She screamed as she pushed past me to leave.

"Bella, wait…please…" Jake cried as he jerked up his jeans and chased after her into the snow.

He was too late to catch her. She jumped into her car and sped off down the driveway throwing snow and ice everywhere. Jake slumped down into the snow, his face in his hands, and began to sob. I stood silently for a moment, not knowing what to do. Last night I'd been so happy, maybe too happy. I should have known. Nothing good ever happens in this house.

"Come on Jake, let's go back inside. She's just pissed off right now. She really loves you, she'll get over it. I know she will." I said as I lifted him up and pulled him, stumbling, back into the house. He struggled to walk as he wiped his tears away with the back of his hand.

"You don't know her! Everything she said will happen. She won't forgive me. She told me once that she would forgive anything except cheating. She meant it. Oh God Edward! She's pregnant!" Jake threw himself down into his bed, and buried his face in the pillows.

I felt like hammered shit. I believed this was my fault, no, I knew it was. I paced around the room, not knowing how to comfort him. Finally I drew down beside him on the bed, and put my arm around him.

"We'll work this out Jake. You'll see. I'll get you the best lawyer money can buy. We'll make it a landmark case of discrimination if we have to. It will all work out. Believe me, it will." I told him, as I rubbed my hand through the back of his hair.

Jake sat up on the side of the bed sniffling. "Do something for me Ed."

"Anything baby." I replied.

"Call Jared and see if he's got anything. I need something to make this shit go away."

"Are you sure Jake? I mean you worked so hard to get clean…" I started.

"Just call him ok?" Jake pleaded.

I stood up, retrieved my droid from the bedside table, and walked out into the hall. I dialed Jared's number.

_Hours Later_

Jacob was completely wasted. I'd driven to Jared's to make the pick-up, and then stopped in town to buy some booze. We'd drank our way through the bottles in about an hour, and started on the pills sometime after that.

"I love you so much." Jake whispered, his speech heavily slurred.

I took him into my arms, and tried to stand up. "Come on baby, let's go to bed." I urged him.

Somehow or another, we made it down to his bedroom. It seemed better that we go there than to my old room. Jake's room was the place we'd first made love. It was our room. We tumbled together into his bed. From time to time, he'd get tearful and mumble something about Bella and the baby, but I'd shut him up with a tongue filled kiss.

We rolled together on what remained of his bed, the broken headboard discarded on the floor, a constant reminder of last night. I wanted to have him again. I wanted it so bad I couldn't stand it.

"Jake, let me love you. I'll be careful like last time. I won't hurt you." I pleaded, the narcotics clouding my train of thought.

He reached up and pulled me down against him. "Make me forget it!" He begged.

"I will."

I yanked clumsily at his clothes, until I managed to get them off. I stood up beside the bed and got rid of my jeans and t-shirt. I'd not bothered to put on any boxers this morning in all the shuffle. He reached for me again as I lay down beside him. I rolled my body onto his, feeling his muscles tense beneath me, his warm breath against my neck.

"Yes, like that, just like that!" He sighed against my skin.

I reached down, and slid my hand under his knee, drawing his leg up. He pulled the other one up as well. I paused to look down at him, his beautiful long thick lashes heavy with tears.

"Don't cry baby." I whispered. "Everything will be all right."

I reached under the pillow and got the tube of lubricant, rubbing it all over my hard cock. I reached under him and slid my fingers into him. He winched a little, probably sore from last night. I kept that in mind as I eased slowly inside of him, but he was so high on narcotics, that he didn't seem to notice as much.

I propped myself up on my hands and looked back down at him. The soft glow from the little bedside lamp was reflected so perfectly in those big brown eyes. His expression was peaceful, solemn, as he looked back up at me. I leaned down and brushed his lips.

"I love you Jacob, I always will." I declared.

"You know how much I wish that was enough." He replied.

It should have sparked something in me, that remark, but I was too high to pick up on it. I sped up my pace, and worked to bring him as much pleasure as I could. When I felt his hot cum hit my stomach, I let my own orgasm go and collapsed against him. I fell asleep on top of him, his fingers stroking through my hair.

_Midnight_

I was having a terrible dream. I felt like I was drowning. I was under water, and I couldn't figure out which way was up. I could feel my heart beating slower and slower as I struggled for oxygen. God Edward, wake up, wake up!

I sat up gasping for breath, my head swimming. I struggled into Jake's bathroom, and vomited all over the tile floor. I'd forgotten how narcs make you nauseous, and it had been so long since I'd had any in my system, I'd probably taken too much. If I'd vomited in my sleep… I pushed that thought away as I got to my feet, and stood on shaky legs.

Somehow I managed to clean up the mess I'd made in the floor, and washed my hands in the sink. I staggered back to the bed and sat down on the edge. I reached across Jake to get my cigarettes from the bedside table and froze as my hand brushed against his shoulder. Cold, he shouldn't be so cold.

"Jake?" I called as I shook him. Nothing. He was cold, stiff, the flush gone from his face, from his skin. That rich mocha color was a sickly gray, his beautiful, full lips a pale blue. I pressed my hand frantically against his chest. Nothing. No breath, no life, no heartbeat.

"Jacob! No, no! Please, please, please! You're not dead! You're not dead!" I screamed over and over as I pounded on his chest, and blew useless breath into his lungs.

It was over. He was gone. There was nothing else I could do.

I pulled his lifeless body into my lap and broke down utterly. It was as if everything I'd ever imagined in my darkest and worst dreams was reality. I couldn't make it go away. I'd tried, but only made things worse. He was dead because of me. This was all my fault.

"Just like Alice." I sobbed again and again.

I don't know how much time passed, one hour, maybe two, I can't be sure. I finally got out of the bed and walked, like a zombie slowly out into the garage. I found a gas can and took it inside.

"This God Damned house, you had to have it Edward!" I shouted at myself as I climbed the stairs.

I poured a small stream of gasoline all over everything, the furniture, the artwork, the carpet. I made a pit stop in my room to get the little black medical bag from my bedside table, and holding it in my teeth; I went back downstairs, pouring the gasoline on the carpeted steps as I went.

I sat down on the bed beside Jacob and opened the bag. Inside was a syringe, my syringe. I'd taken it from dad's clinic a long time ago. Inside the bag was a supply of Morphine. I drew up a more than lethal dose, and slipped the tourniquet around my arm. I accessed a vein, and administered the drug.

I knew I had only precious seconds before it took full effect. I walked over to the door, flipped open my lucky strike, and fired it up. I stood staring at the little flame. Fire destroys, but fire also purifies. I tossed it onto the carpet in the hall, and shut the door.

As I turned back toward the bed, I saw Alice standing beside it.

"You killed me Edward. You killed him too!"

"I know Alice. I've paid for it now at the end." I answered her as she faded away.

By the time I made it back over to the bed, the Morphine was taking me. I lay down beside my precious angel, and pulled him into my arms.

"I'm coming Jacob. I'll find you. Wait for me. I love you…."

_Coda_

Chief Police Charlie Swan stood outside the burnt remains of the once beautiful house. He'd had to make the calls to Dr. Carlisle Cullen and to Jacob's father informing them of the deaths of their sons. He'd left out the part about finding them naked, together in bed. He knew such a thing had no place in the papers. His men would be discreet. He worried about what his daughter Bella would do when he told her. He walked toward the burnt out hull and stopped when something glittering in the dirty snow caught his eye. He leaned down to pick it up, a bracelet, probably Jacob's, with sea shells and a little wooden wolf carving. He would keep it. He would give it to the baby Bella was carrying. It would be something for that child to have that had belonged to its father. It would be the only thing that baby would ever have.

Charlie kicks at the ashes in the stained snow. The firefighters are packing up their equipment; the coroner's office is taping off the scene. Another senseless tragedy, two young lives lost. But Charlie knew too well, not all stories have a happy ending. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

EPOV

That was so many years ago. I don't know how long a soul has to drift in purgatory. I'm still here, still haunting this empty burnt out house. Sometimes I think I see Alice, or Jacob, but I think I may just be imagining it. I don't know if I will ever really see them again. We don't think about the consequences of our actions at the time we do stupid things. We never really believe bad stuff will happen to us. I don't know how many warnings I got along the way, and chose to ignore. Maybe someday, I will have suffered enough. Perhaps I will see him again. Perhaps…..


End file.
